Waking up after drinking too much is always a nightmare for Yoongi, but this time it’s even worse. He feels sick to his stomach and he runs to the bathroom, kneeling down in front of the toilet as he throws up. His head still hurts awfully, but he feels rested and he’s glad Hoseok gave him medicine for him to sleep. He gets up, finding Hoseok on the couch, putting his shoes on.
“Are you going out?” Yoongi asks, his throat feels raw after last night, his eyes are puffy because he cried so much.
“Good thing you’re awake.” Hoseok speaks, throwing a clean shirt to him and fetching his keys. “We’re going out. Get dressed.”
“Where are we going?” Yoongi takes the shirt, changing it, and he puts his shoes on. He’s confused and hungry, but he won’t disobey Hoseok, not when he’s the best friend he could ever have.
“To the hospital.” Hoseok sighs and turns around, glancing at him. “Look, there’s no easy way to say this and we don’t have much time. Taehyung called me this morning. Jungkook was hit by a car yesterday, next to the Han river. He’s been in surgery all night, and he’s okay now. But we have to go see him.”
“Han river?” He mutters, suddenly feeling dizzy and sitting on the couch. That’s where he went last night. When he closes his eyes, he sees clearly what happened, and instead of a dim figure, he can recognize his brother, laying down on the dirty floor, whining in pain and staining the ground with his blood. “I… I can’t go.”
“What? Yoongi, we don’t have time for this, get up.” Hoseok says, helping him put his shoes since he can barely move. “Your brother needs you.”
All Yoongi wants to do now is to scream and to cry in frustration, because he fucked up things really badly this time. He doesn’t know how he will face Jungkook after he knows he’s the one he hit with the car and that he ran away, not helping him when he most needed him. He imagines him whimpering in sheer pain, trying to breathe as his broken ribs presses his lungs so hard that makes him gasp, as he was praying in the cold asphalt. He squeezes his eyes, wanting those stupid tears to stop falling, and he sobs low as he realizes the consequences of his act.
“Yoongi” Hoseok calls him, cupping his face and making him look at him. “I know it’s hard, but please, we have to go.” He speaks, his voice softer than silk and he gets up, holding his hand and guiding him to the car. He searches for the keys in Yoongi’s pocket and enter the vehicle, putting the safety belt. He peers at Yoongi, who lays down on the backseat, his body shivering as he sobs quietly. It breaks Hoseok’s heart, to see him like this, and he drives to the hospital where Jungkook is.
Even when Hoseok parks the car, Yoongi doesn’t know what to do. He is terrified that Jungkook somehow might have discovered who hit him, and he definitely doesn’t want him to find out that it was his own brother who did it. Reluctantly, Yoongi leaves the car, holding Hoseok’s arm as they walk. He lets him talk to the nurses, too hurt to say anything, and he only nods when she asks him to sign some papers. Apparently he was the first one in his emergency contacts, but since his phone was turned off it was Taehyung who was called. It makes him sigh, because Taehyung keeps proving to him that he’s better at taking care of Jungkook.
The walk to his room is painful, each step seems to weigh a tonne; he has to keep holding himself on his friend’s forearm so he can make it through the way. When they reach the place, his heart hurts as he forces himself to push the door, and Hoseok moves away, wanting to give them some privacy. Taehyung does the same, and he smiles gently to Yoongi. It makes him conclude that neither of them know who did this to Jungkook, otherwise he wouldn’t be so friendly right now. It’s been a while since he saw Taehyung and he can see he’s as beautiful as Jungkook says, though today his eyes are puffy and there are black circles under them. He probably didn’t sleep at night, too worried about his boyfriend.
It takes a lot of effort for him to finally enter the room, and when he does, he can’t help but gasp in panic. Jungkook’s leg is in a cast, his face is slightly bruised, and each breath seems painful. He is awake, though, his gaze lost in the window. He hears Yoongi coming closer and he turns his head, glancing at him. The sheer pain is obvious in his eyes, his lips are pursed and are nothing but a thin, white line.
“They say I’ll take a few months to walk again.” Jungkook says, emotionlessly, starting to watch the window again. “A year in physiotherapy, if everything goes well. But they don’t know when I’ll be able to dance again.”
Yoongi has to hold himself on the bed so he won’t fall down. His head is spinning, he feels as though the floor is moving, his thoughts are swirling in despair and he doesn’t even know what he should do. He feels terrible, because dancing is the most important thing to Jungkook; it’s the reason why he’s still alive, why he isn’t a failure like Yoongi is. And now he’s doomed because of Yoongi’s stupidity.
“I… I’m so sorry.” Yoongi whispers, and even though he is always strong so he won’t cry in front of Jungkook, he can’t stop the tears this time. However, Jungkook is oddly calm, looking at him and analyzing his face.
“Why are you sorry?” He asks, frowning a bit. “It was my fault. I was searching for you, because I thought you would be close to the river, and I didn’t see the car coming. I am the one who should be sorry.”
“No, don’t talk like this.” He speaks, sitting in the chair next to the bed and taking his hand. There’s a gash on it, and he’s careful enough not to cause him even more pain. “I… I will fix everything. I promise.”
“How?” Jungkook deadpans, his low, broken voice is a stab into Yoongi’s heart. “Are you going to fix my leg, hyung? Are you going to stop me from getting hit? Are you going to catch whoever did this? Are y–”
“No, I won’t.” Yoongi gasps, and it’s ironical that he’s the one crying, when in fact it should be Jungkook. “But I will help you heal faster and soon you will be as good as before.”
It’s useless, Yoongi knows, because he doesn’t have any superpowers to fulfill his promise, but he wants to believe that lie. Jungkook smiles bitterly, nodding and sighing, resting his head on the pillow. Yoongi doesn’t let his hand go, stroking the scarred skin, as though the simple touch could repair the damage he caused.
Both of the boys are so lost in their own thoughts that neither of them notices when Hoseok and Taehyung enter the room. Yoongi is trapped into his own mind, chained to the feelings of guilt and regret, drowning in agony. He feels like he’s a hurricane, who destroy whatever he touches, and Jungkook is a delicate flower, which petals have been ripped from its core. Suddenly, Yoongi feels terrible for being close to someone as perfect as Jungkook, and he pulls away, getting up. His brother doesn’t even flinch, still gazing at the window, and Taehyung takes his place, sitting down and holding his hand.
The scene is painfully beautiful and makes Yoongi’s heart throb in misery; Taehyung looks at him, smiling calmly, sometimes stroking the soft threads of his hair, or caressing his bruised cheeks. He’s like the sea whilst Yoongi is the storm, he’s gentle, serene, and Yoongi has always been a furious blast, who feels too much but does too little. This is love, Yoongi concludes, as he watches them. That’s what Jungkook deserves, that’s what he needs, and Yoongi is positive he doesn’t need him anymore.
It’s a frightening feeling, though, knowing you’re not needed, knowing you have no use, that you have no place anymore. Yoongi feels he has a decision to make but he is a coward and it is difficult to do what has to be done. He is also selfish, wanting to keep Jungkook to himself, to continue by his side, even when he only causes him to suffer. He hates to see how lost Jungkook seems, as if he has died inside. Yoongi wonders if he looks like that too.
“Hey.” Hoseok mutters, shaking his shoulder. “Let’s go somewhere else. He needs to be medicated.”
Yoongi was so imprisoned in his own mind that he didn’t see the nurse entering the room, neither Taehyung giving a kiss to Jungkook’s cheek and walking away. He nods, getting up and gazing at Jungkook. His brother is still awake and it breaks his heart as Yoongi walks away, not saying anything. Jungkook was about to ask the nurse for Yoongi to stay there with him, until he fell asleep, because he’s terrified and he hates to be alone. However, Yoongi has left by his own, and he doesn’t even have the strength to call him back. He’s glad the medicines will induce him into a dreamless sleep so he won’t have to think about it.
“Is the police looking for the person who did this?” Hoseok asks to Taehyung and Yoongi wakes up from his thoughts, feeling thrilled by those words.
“Yeah, they are searching at the camera record, though it will take a few days until they get a clear image.” He answers and then reaches for Yoongi’s hand, squeezing it gently. “I know it’s hard for you, all of this. But Kookie is a strong boy and he’s going to be okay soon. He was laughing, you know, as I showed him a silly video.”
“I’m happy he’s got you. Thank you for taking good care of him.” Yoongi speaks, being fully honest and he bows slightly, pulling his hand away carefully.
“No, hyung, I am grateful because he has the best brother. He wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t you.” Taehyung says, smiling friendly. “The nurse told me he will be out in a few days. We are going to have to watch out for him, to help him because of his leg and to take care of his minor injuries, but she says it will be better for his mental health to recover at home.”
“You can stay at our house as long as you want. Kookie needs you.” It’s Yoongi’s reply and he forces a smile, though it’s more likely a grimace. “We’re going to buy food. Take some rest, kid.” He adds, not waiting for an answer as he pulls Hoseok and starts walking away. God, Taehyung is just so sweet, it makes his heart swell at the way he speaks of his brother, and he knows Jungkook is going to be fine.
On the other hand, Hoseok looks confused by how Yoongi has been acting, by how he was staring at the wall without any expression, his eyes were nothing but two dark holes, as though his feelings has vanished away.
“I need to smoke.” Yoongi groans, rubbing his forehead as the pain hits his skull and even the sunlight hurts his eyes. “I… I have to tell you a few things.” He had been considering whether he should talk to his best friend or not, but he decided that if he doesn’t say anything he will end up exploding or something like that.
Hoseok thinks about asking him not to smoke, but he saw him before and he realizes he’s on the edge of collapsing. He nods, waiting for him as he goes to the store and buys the cigarette, following him as they get back to the hospital and go up to the rooftop.
“I want to ask you a question.” Hoseok starts, moving a little away so the smoke won’t go over his face as Yoongi lights the cigarette up. “Why are you so afraid of going to a rehab?”
That surprises Yoongi a bit, and even he doesn’t know for sure the answer. However, he tells him everything; it’s almost therapeutic as he speaks about his feelings, about how Jungkook really doesn’t need him anymore, about how his thoughts have been becoming darker and darker until he feels drowning in doubt and sadness. He talks about how he destroys all he touches, about how he is a disaster and how he can’t breathe without feeling his heart burning with anxiety.
“I’m not afraid of going to the rehab” Yoongi mutters, his eyes are tearful once again, and he looks at Hoseok. “Because I don’t plain going there. The… the only thing that matters for me is Jungkook, and… he doesn’t need me.”
“Don’t say these things.” Hoseok scolds, though his voice is smooth and gentle, and he moves his hand to his shoulder, massaging it and feeling all the knots from the tension. “You know it’s not true.”
“I don’t know anything anymore.” He sobs, blowing the smoke away. “I think that’s why I can’t stop drinking, because when I do, I am left alone with my thoughts and my head just wants m–”
“Just wants you to make it stop, right?” Hoseok sighs. “Yoongi, you need help. You might not realize you do because you’re sick, but if you don’t… then you are going to end up like I did.”
“Or maybe I will end up in a cemetery.”
“Is that what you really want?” He asks, pulling away and holding him by his shoulders. “Do you want to become your mother?”
“I don’t know!” Yoongi cries out, rubbing his forehead and throwing the cigarette on the floor, stepping on it. “I fucked up things really badly this time, Hobi, and I can’t stand it.”
“Tell me what you’ve done.” Hoseok demands, still holding him and gazing at his shoulders.
And Yoongi tells him everything; he tells him how he hit Jungkook and ran away, how he thought he was a murderer, how he is the reason why Jungkook is doomed to suffer. He can’t avoid the tears from falling down and the words mix with his broken sobs. He buries his nails in his own palms, not bothering when it draws blood. It hurts less than the pain inside, which he can’t even handle with.
When Yoongi finishes his confession, he feels somehow lighter, because someone else knows of his sins. He is still trembling as a leaf and even when Hoseok pulls him closer, hugging him, he can’t stop crying. Hoseok makes him sit down and he holds his hands, looking at the scratches he caused to himself and he sighs. He’s getting self destructive again.
“Shh calm down. Breathe with me.” Hoseok whispers, breathing in and out, allowing his lungs to fill up with air before he releases it. It’s a technique that always worked when he was anxious and it seems it works with Yoongi too, because after a minute he finally stops shivering. “Feeling better?” He smiles gently and Yoongi sniffles, nodding.
“What should I do, Hobi?” He asks, and he’s never felt so lost in his life. Not even when his mother killed herself, leaving the stained wall for Jungkook and Hoseok to clean; not even when he had to drop school and start working when he was only sixteen, growing up too fast to his age.
“The police will get to your name.” Hoseok points out; he wonders how long will they take until they get the image of the license plate. “That’s why I think you need to tell Jungkook. If he’s angry, he might accept to press charges against you, and you will end up in jail.”
“God” Yoongi gasps and then he nods. Crying won’t solve his problems, and he wasn’t always this coward man he’s become. Once he was a brave boy who decided to protect his brother instead of letting him go to an orphanage. “Okay. Damn, okay. When we get home, I will tell him.”
Hoseok smiles at him and presses a chaste kiss to his forehead, and Yoongi sighs, as though those lips could heal all the pain inside. He leans on his shoulder, breathing slowly, and he feels suddenly so tired.
“Take some sleep, I will watch out for you.” Hoseok whispers and pulls him closer, rubbing his cold arms and wanting to keep him safe and warm. Not even trying to fight back, Yoongi falls asleep, dreaming about shattered glass.
Getting back home wasn’t an easy task for neither of the boys. Taehyung decided that he would stay at their house until Jungkook gets better, and there was a silent agreement that Yoongi wouldn’t go to the rehab because taking care of Jungkook was a tiring job. Fortunately, due to their effort, Jungkook was recovering fast, and within a week he managed to walk on crutches. His pain had lessened as well and his broken ribs didn’t hurt as bad as before.
Yoongi still works every day, but when he gets back Taehyung has already prepared them a delicious meal. It’s nothing like the ramen Yoongi stocks in the cabinet, or the tasteless rice they eat sometimes. In fact, Taehyung likes to cook, and he doesn’t bother spending his own money to buy them food.
After having dinner, Yoongi goes out. He can’t stand staying in the same place them Jungkook and Taehyung, they are just pure and smooth like an autumn’s breeze, like the sun in the cold winter, melting the pain away. He spends some time alone with Jungkook, but their talk isn’t deep as it used to be, the older boy can’t look at his eyes without feeling guilty, without hearing his mind scream at him that he crushed Jungkook’s dreams and hope. Therefore, Yoongi wanders at night, letting his feet take him to whatever they feel attracted, and even though he wants to stay sober, he can’t. There is no way he can’t fucking handle with the stabs in his brain, with the deep pain that seems to hit his skull, with the agony swirling in his stomach. It’s hard to fill his mouth with food when the remorse seems to be his only sustenance, but the alcohol burns his thoughts and his shame so he can feel the fake emptiness and freedom he aims.
Being the coward he is, he still hasn’t told him. Yoongi believes that somehow, maybe, the police won’t get to him, and he wishes that he’s mistaken and that it wasn’t him the person who hit Jungkook. However, Yoongi prefers to know what happened because he wouldn’t manage to have his soul accusing him of a murderer that he might not have committed.
It’s nine when Taehyung calls him, saying that they are waiting for him to eat and that he should hurry. It’s half past nine when he calls him telling him that he should spend the night at Hoseok’s house. It’s obvious that Taehyung is doing his best to hold back, he talks in an oddly friendly tone, but when Yoongi asks him why he can’t come home he answers in a clear, serious voice.
“HLJ957. I will call you later.” He says and hangs up. Yoongi freezes, clenching his hands so hard that his knuckles get white, smashing the cigarette between his fingers. That’s his number, and Taehyung knows that HLJ957, also known as Min Yoongi, has hit his boyfriend and ran away, leaving him agonizing in the icy street.
There is really nothing he can do right now, though, besides waiting for the storm to come. He walks to Hoseok’s house, not drunk this time, and he feels vacant instead of desperate. When Hoseok asks what’s wrong, he tells him that they’ve discovered the truth and he sits down on the couch, getting a snack from his pocket and munching it. He is fucked up enough to start crying and the numbness he feels stops him from doing so.
It’s Thursday and Jimin isn’t around on Thursdays, so Yoongi can sleep on the bed, which is more comfortable than the sofa. He turns his head and watches as Hoseok opens the bathroom cabinet, fetching his medicines and taking it.
“You don’t want to talk, right?” Hoseok mutters, lying down and resting his head on his lap. Yoongi hums in agreement and starts running his fingers through his hair.
“I just want to spend some time with you.” He answers and Hoseok blushes faintly. “I love you, do you know that? You’re amazing. You’re the best friend I could ever dream of.”
“Yoongi, why are you talking like that?” He questions, glancing at his eyes. It makes him feel afraid and worried, instead of flattered, because Yoongi never shows affection.
“I might wake up in jail tomorrow.” Yoongi shrugs and he keeps caressing his hair, liking the soft sounds he makes when he starts feeling sleepy. Yoongi knows that even though Hoseok wants to talk to him, the medicine lullabies him into a peaceful, drug induced sleep.
However, Yoongi can’t fall asleep. He’s thinking about what decision he should make, depending whether will Jungkook want him in jail or not. His cellphone rings a few hours later, one hour past midnight, and he carefully carries Hoseok in his arms, laying him on the bed and closing the door, not wanting to bother him. He picks the phone up, and the numbness tricking his feelings leaves, the despair taking its place.
“Hyung” The wobbly voice belongs to Jungkook, Yoongi can easily say he has been crying because he can feel the wetness of his tears in his tone. “Hyung”
“I’m here.” Yoongi assures him and even though he wishes he could be there to calm him down, he doesn’t know if he would be able to face him after he found out the truth. “You don’t know how sorry I am, Jungkook. If I could undo what I did…” He lets the sentence die in the cold air, his chest throbs in regret.
“Stop lying.” Jungkook sobs “Stop lying to me and to yourself. You’re not sorry because you’re still fucking spending your nights drinking as I am here crying because it fucking hurts.”
“You don’t underst–”
“No, YOU don’t understand. I wouldn’t be angry at you if this was an accident. But it was your fault, hyung, because you were fucking drunk and you didn’t care and drove home instead. And that’s not even the worse! How heartless are you to hit someone and run away?”
“I didn’t see it was you!” Yoongi tries to defend himself, but he knows it’s not a valid argument.
“What’s the difference, huh? It would be okay to ruin someone else’s dreams if they aren’t me?” He asks, and there’s no answer, of course. Yoongi didn’t think about that; about the grandiosity of what he’s done. “They asked me if I want to press charges against you. I said I won’t.” Jungkook breaks the silence, and Yoongi gasps in surprise. Just by how mad he is, he supposed he wouldn’t let this pass unseen.
“You won’t?” Yoongi repeats, his hands are shaking badly.
“You’re my brother, I couldn’t do that to you” Jungkook sniffles, a bit calmer now. “I know you’re sick, hyung, and I know how hard it is. But that doesn’t justify how you’ve been acting. You need help.”
“I’ve already told you I’m not sick” He interrupts him, unconsciously his free hand slips into the sleeve of his shirt and he digs his fingernails hard into his skin.
“We’ve been eating ramen for two months, so you can buy alcohol! Isn’t that sick enough?” Jungkook points out and then he sighs. “Don’t answer that. Hyung, you’re changed. I don’t recognize you anymore.”
“I’m still the same, Kookie.” Yoongi mutters and he scratches himself harder, wanting those stupid tears to go away, wanting the flame eating his heart to fade away.
“Thing is, you’re not. You don’t even look like my brother Yoongi.” Jungkook hisses in a cold, hurt voice and that shatters the rest of Yoongi’s soul. It’s his biggest fear, that Jungkook will stop loving him and those words torture him, stabbing him deep inside. “My brother Yoongi would ask me how it was my day, he would cook my favourite food on my birthday; we would talk together during school and he would spend his nights with me. He would comfort me after a nightmare and take care of me, but he would let me take care of him as well. I would be the one to kiss his tears away, not the alcohol that wipes his feelings until there’s nothing left.”
Yoongi is a crying mess, and he doesn’t even try to hide it from Jungkook. He feels terrible, and he wants to say he’s sorry, but words won’t fix what he’s done. It won’t heal Jungkook’s body, neither glue the pieces of his broken heart.
“I want him back.” Jungkook concludes, and even though he’s sobbing his voice is firm and clear. “Don’t come see me until you recover your old self, hyung. I love you, but you need to treat yourself.”
“What? Kookie, no, I can’t stay away from you.” Yoongi gasps, his hands trembling violently as he can’t even process those words. “Please. Who is going to take care of you?”
“Taehyung.” He mutters. “You’ve taken good care of me, hyung. Now you have to take care of you.”
“Taehyung doesn’t know what’s best for you. He’s just a boyfriend!” Yoongi sobs, exasperated.
“And you’re just my brother. Plus, I know what’s best for me.” Jungkook snaps, apparently offended by his words. “I’ll go visit you in the rehab, hyung.” He finishes and hangs up.
It takes him an entire minute until he can understand what just happened. Jungkook doesn’t want to see him, doesn’t need him, and Yoongi’s mind can only conclude that he doesn’t have an use anymore. He even feels as though Taehyung has replaced him, taken his place and conquered Jungkook’s heart. Yoongi is a disposable person, who everyone gets tired of, and he sobs as he discovers the whole truth.
His father abandoned his mother when he discovered she was pregnant of Yoongi, his mother killed herself to get rid of Yoongi, and now Jungkook had replaced him as well. Soon enough Hoseok would leave too, and he would be homeless, friendless, loveless, brotherless. That’s what he is, a burden.
“I can’t breathe.” He chokes out, there’s dry blood in his skin and his heart just hurts too much. Yoongi knows he has a decision to make, but he knows that he will be alone in the end. He will suffer and end up alone. So… why not end his suffering earlier?
When this hypothesis appears in his sick mind, he stops crying. Everything seems so clear, and Yoongi is used to see through a black veil that he is surprised he can see the right choice. He knows that Jungkook might suffer in the beginning, but it’s the best for him. Even though his brother won’t admit it, Yoongi will always know what’s best for him.
Sacrifices have to be made, Yoongi affirms to himself, and he has to be the one who will do it. Getting up, he reaches for a paper, and with shaking hands, he writes a single sentence.
“I love you. I’m sorry. Goodbye.” The note isn’t directed to only Jungkook; it’s for Hoseok as well, and all the friends he’s abandoned because of his condition. Although he is still quivering, Yoongi feels as though for the first time he’s finally certain of what he wants.
The kitchen seems far as he walks slowly, and when he gets there he opens the fridge, smiling when he sees a beer. It belongs to Jimin, and he fetches some money from his pocket, placing it on the table, so Jimin will be able to buy another one. The walk for the bathroom is more difficult, and he locks the door inside, not wanting to be bothered.
Starting to cry again, he opens the cabinet, taking the bottle with the pills and sitting down in the bathtub. The pills will put him to sleep, death will come peacefully and everything will be okay. That’s what Yoongi blindly believes, or what he convinces himself to believe, and he doesn’t feel guilty.
The first pill is the most difficult to take, and the beer is weak as water. However, the second is easier, and soon enough Yoongi has taken all of them. He lays down on the bathroom, and as the time passes, his mind starts swirling around, his stomach feels sick and the drugs induce him into a deep, deadly sleep.