Pairing: Kai x Taemin
Warnings: Mentions of Self-Harm, Drugs, Depression, Prostitution, Suicide, Death
Summary: No matter how hard Kai tried, he couldn’t save Taemin. It was like he was drowning more and more and there was no escape for him.
Even though, he still can sleep every night with his heart slowly breaking.
Kai opened one eye, gazing at Taemin who was still sleeping beside him; he was tangled on his arms, his face buried on Kai's chest, his hands resting on his waist. He could feel the soft perfume of his hair and he kissed it, gently rubbing his back, sighing. It was still raining outside, the sound of the raindrops hitting the window made him wake, but it seemed like that didn't bother Taemin at all. It got colder too and they were only covered by a thin sheet, so Kai rose up carefully, placing Taemin's head on the pillow, putting his boxers and his pants on. He took a blanket, covering Taemin with that. The blond purred with that, nuzzling on the bed and opening one eye, peering at Kai.
“Baby come back to bed~” He asked, yawning, and Kai only nodded, knowing that he would sleep within seconds. When he did, Kai sat on the bed, glancing at the empty room. He sighed, supporting his head on his hands, ruffling his own hair, leaning his back on the headboard. They were screwed because the gang's leader would go after them and he wouldn't be happy after finding out that his son was dead. Of course it was Taemin's fault but Kai would assume that it was his since he didn't control him as he planned to. He didn't know when things got out of his hands but now he had to face the consequences and find a way of getting out alive. He gazed at the sleepy body beside him, seeing how he seemed to be so relaxed, almost on peace, and Kai asked himself how much time he would be like this. Taemin was a time bomb, sometimes he could look as he was calm and fine and a few days later he would simply explode, being self destructive or discounting his sorrows on other people. Or maybe he was like that because he finally got the revenge he wanted so much... anyway, Kai only watched him as he was breathing smoothly, his eyebrows slightly arching as he was dreaming, pursing his lips.
The scars were all over his body and Kai knew they were always there and they would always be, it made part of Taemin's self, of his history. Certainly the blond rather preferred to not have them, to have a 'nice skin' as Kai as he used to say, but Kai loved and hated each one of them because they were a piece of Taemin, they all carried a story behind. Kai closed his eyes, tilting his head back and cursing in silence because God, how he wanted to smoke now. But he had made a promise and he wouldn't break it, even though he may die on the next current hours he still wanted to keep it.
He let his fingers run along Taemin's hair, sighing and closing his eyes. He could remember vaguely how they first met. It wasn't the days where Kai was proud of himself, actually even now he didn't like what he did but his life led him to this; his whole family was from a gang and they raised him to be a leader. When he was a child he used to tell himself that he would get away and get a girlfriend and have pretty children, but once he became a teenager he noticed that this wouldn't happen. He was already buried too deeply on this, if he tried to run away he would be killed and that's when he given up, letting the events led his life.
It was a rainy Thursday, it made a month since all his family (his father and his uncle) had died because of a gang's battle and he had become the leader. As a twenty years boy he wasn't prepared for that and he had no coming back. They let him mourn for about a week and then all the members were already knocking on his door, filling his head with threats if he didn't assume his place. Of course Kai did what they asked for because he was too fucking young to die. On that Thursday he had drunk more that he wished and that's when he decided to have a whore.
Kai wasn't a virgin but he never was fond to prostitution, he usually would find someone as a normal teenager, however on that Thursday he walked to the brothel where the members of his gang used to go. The place's owner recognized him and said that he was happy on having him there and that he would bring him his best girl. Kai only gazed at him, clicking his tongue. “A boy, give me a fucking boy.” The man seemed surprised by that but he nodded, telling Kai to wait on a room.
He was sitting on the bed, feeling somehow sober on that moment and that's when he looked up to the ceiling, seeing the cracks of the spackling paste. The walls were thick at least because he didn't want to hear at other people's moans but still he didn't like this place, now he was wondering why he had gone to there. But before he could think more the door was opened and he lowered his gaze from the ceiling to the person who was there, the owner beside him pushing him into the room and then closing the door, leaving them both alone.
Kai rose up, approaching the boy who seemed to not be afraid of him, though his lips were slightly shivering but Kai assumed that it was because of the cold. He had bleached his hair and Kai could say that it mad a long time since he done that because the black was appearing again, but he liked of how it looked on him. Kai held him by his chin, making him up his face so he could analyze it; he had pretty dark eyes, above them there was two tenuous dark circles and his skin was whiter than normal people, he was quite pale and his dark features matched perfectly with it. Maybe he would be prettier with his natural hair. His lips were thin and curved a little, making a perfect bow just as his eyebrows; he noticed a tiny cut on his chin and he wondered who made that to such a beautiful face.
“Your name?” Kai asked then, lowering his hand and gazing at his eyes because he couldn't stop staring at them.
“Taemin.” He said with a smooth voice, almost whispered voice and it seemed like he didn't have strength enough to speak louder. “You?”
“Kai.” He answered and instantly froze because that was too fucking weird for him. Suddenly he started to regret of the idea of getting a whore for that night and he was almost leaving till he felt Taemin's hand on his, he was smiling softly, humidifying his lips with his pink tongue.
“Nice to meet you, Kai.” And he started to walk to the bed, guiding him. It was his job and part of him actually wanted to do this because Kai was good looking and most of the men that slept with him wasn't like this, so Taemin thought that maybe he could have some fun.
Besides being drunk, Kai was now intoxicated by Taemin's presence and the last thing he remembered of that night was of how soft his lips were when he first touched it. Even when he wanted to remember how was it he couldn't but at least Taemin assured him that he had been too gentle with him.
After that, Kai decided to see him again, and in the next times he wasn't drunk. He could actually feel how Taemin was always sweet with him, how his touches were maddening and how his voice could be that sexy when he moaned. Even though he was a whore Kai loved to make him get his climax and would always lie a few minutes with him on bed, just to feel him softly breathing, his eyes closed and his cheek slightly ruddy, his lips curving in a almost invisible smirk.
And of course Kai noticed how many scars he had since the first time, but he didn't want to ask him because that would be rude. Slowly, he started to realize that he was thinking about that boy even when he was at home and that the only thing that rejoiced him was the fact that he could see Taemin whenever he wanted to. As the time passed their dates started to not be only sexual and he rather preferred to talk with him instead of only fucking him.
Taemin was sitting on the bed, he had dyed his hair of black since Kai said he would look prettier with it (and after Kai convinced the place's owner of letting Taemin do that) and before he could think properly Kai arrived, entering in the room. He gazed at him, quickly raising up and wrapping his arms against his neck, kissing him deeply. Then Taemin buried his face on his neck, hugging him tight. He peered at the door, noticing that Kai had closed it and the windows were closed too.
“Baby what's wrong?” Kai asked in a smooth voice, running his fingers along his hair, not having an answer for a whole minute. He knew that Taemin wasn't like that, he had noticed on their talkings that he was sassy and cocky, he knew that if he had power he would be manipulator as well, and even though he could be lovely and sweet he would never show up how scared he actually would be.
Taemin didn't know for sure if Kai was reliable but he was his only hope, he couldn't afford of continue his life like this because he was already broken and deep down he still wanted to be fixed. The worst that could happen was him getting killed but at this point he didn't care anymore. He heard Kai's soft voice and that's when he let his tears escape from his eyes, hugging him even tighter, trying to soften his heart, deceive him from all the pain and sorrow. He pursed his lips and then breathed out a few times till he stopped crying, finally releasing Kai from his grip. He wiped his tears before Kai could do it and then he held his hand, intertwining their fingers.
“Please take me out of here.” Taemin whispered, his voice was low as the first time they met and Kai could feel that there was something wrong. “Buy me, please, they will sell me if you pay them... I know it's a lot to ask and I'm just being silly, but... Kai...” He bit his lips before he could start to cry again and suddenly he regretted of asking him such a thing. He closed his eyes, getting ready for a slap that never came. Instead, Kai cupped his face, his thumb gently stroking his skin.
“I have a lot of money, don't worry. I have been thinking about this for a time, actually, and I think that they won't denial anything to me.” He said and Taemin's face slightly changed because he feared of Kai being somehow associated to those men. Well, if he was it would be even better because he would never be away from those bastard and he could have his revenge when it was time. Then he pulled his hand, guiding him to bed and sitting there, rubbing the boy's shoulder when he sat beside him. “Tae, I...”
“Kai, make love to me.” He whispered, cutting his words and kneeling on the bed, wrapping his hands around his neck. On this angle Kai could notice a bruise on his lips and that made him silently curse, he hated to see him hurt even though he already had so many scars. “I'm tired of sex.” He added and Kai smirked sadly, slightly, pulling him closer and pecking his lips softly, feeling the taste of Taemin's tears.
“I'll take you out of here.” Kai spoke smoothly though firmly, seeing the other nod, his tears were still mixing up between their kisses and then Kai moved away just to wipe them. Taemin wasn't the type who would simply cry about his destiny and that was the first time he saw him broke down. “I promise, Taemin.” Taemin only nodded again, snuffling and he kissed him, gently pulling his hair as he hugged him again.
“I'll be your whore, I'll do everything you say, I promise.” Taemin said; his body and his services were the only thing he could offer to the other one, he knew he heart already had been taken by him. He knew he was a gang's leader but actually he didn't care or fear him, that only turned him on because he could have power beside Kai and he could do everything that he had planned on his mind.
“Be my lover.” He whispered to him and then smiled to him before kissing him, darting his tongue and sweetly playing with Taemin's, his fingers caressing his cheek as the boy muttered a 'I will be' and a few 'I promise'. It was weird how needy Taemin was today and Kai knew he wasn't needy for sex but only for a gentle touch; Kai asked himself when was the last time he had that.
And they made love for the first time on that night, ending with Taemin lying on Kai's chest, his face hidden on the crook of his neck as Kai had his arms around him. He could hear the other boy softly sob, making him shiver at the icy tears that were wetting his skin. Kai kept running his fingers through his hair, just assuring him that he was there, because he knew that Taemin needed to cry. He had been holding it for so damn long.
“What happened to you Tae?” He whispered even though he knows that will make him cry harder and he holds his hand, kissing his wrist and the scars that are there. Obviously Kai had lived enough to know what those marks meant and he hated to see it in Taemin. 'How much pain a person must feel to drag a blade against their skin?' He thought and looked at Taemin's watery eyes.
There was pain, so much pain, but also an idle desire for power and revenge. That could be extremely useful, Kai thought, but it could be dangerous as well; Taemin could become an important part in his gang, he could lead it all along with him, and he just needed some training.
“My whole family... killed by those bastards.” He muttered in a tiny, squeaky voice, and then he held his both hands, squeezing them so hard that it hurt, but it hurt even more to remember their voices screaming and how he had only thirteen years when happened. Five years later and he still had nightmares every night, seeing his parents being killed right on front of him, the blood being spilt in his face as he tried to hug them and say goodbye. “And they forced me into this... Kai, I don't want to... I said I didn't...” He spoke but he ended up sobbing again. He never had told anyone about that and he really believed that he would be able to talk but he realized that no, the wound was deeper than he thought and remembering how many fucking times he was beaten and hurt just made all those feeling resurface and hit him stronger than ever.
Kai never had felt that powerless before, the only thing he could do was to stroke his back soothingly, whispering sweet nothings to him. He already could imagine that something terrible had happened to Taemin but he didn't think he would get to see him that frail in front of him.
Thinking about the past made him nostalgic, and Kai decided to get some water. Everything was a blur and he couldn't think right when he saw the empties rooms and his hands were shaking so hard that he barely managed to read the rushed note.
“Jongin? What's wrong?” Kai heard the voice and he usually would groan at the name, but now it was a different occasion. Taemin was looking at him with woken eyes and he sat on the bed, beside him. He held his hands, and Kai could see a tiny bruise on his chin. Guilty.
“We are really fucked up this time, Tae.” He answered, the rain falling outside and hitting their window hard. “Everyone abandoned us because I was mad for you and you were mad for me. They won't die for us.”
Taemin bit his lip hard, a single tear escaping from his eyes but none of them tried to wipe it. He seriously didn't think right when he killed the other gangs boss's son. In fact, he never thought that Kai was going to find him again and he didn't think about the consequences, how easily the members would link their death to Kai.
“They abandoned us?” He whispered, somehow skeptical about what he was saying.
“Yeah, I got up to get some water and realized the whole place is empty. They let a message saying that you've gone too far this time.”
Before Kai got out of their room, he didn't think that they would be escapeless. They were trapped as two rats and it was a matter of time before the members would discover how to break the door's lock. Remembering of their life only made Kai noticed how empty it was.
He killed for living, but in the end he never lived. He never knew what freedom was and he only had a bitter taste of love, because he could never understand Taemin completely. Sometimes he thought he hated him and they would spend a long time fighting and he would run away, but then they would notice how they couldn't be away from each other.
Worthless, that was the word. It hurt to realize that, with 23 years he was already a dead man.
Nevertheless, Taemin was already used to that idea. He couldn't count on his fingers how many times he tried to kill himself and how he almost manage to do it in that night on the roof. The death never sounded so peaceful for him.
He could stop suffering, there would be no need for drugs anymore, he wouldn't have to make himself bleed or to cry in pain when anything worked to let him numb. Kai wouldn't have to take care of his wounds or to make him scream when he gets shot and he had to make hurried stitches.
Kai didn't want to admit but he was really afraid, he could feel his heart beating faster as he heard the noise of cars approaching and he knew that they would manage to break the door soon. He didn't want the things to end this way.
“Fuck, Taemin. Damn it. I don't know what to do.” He breathed out, pulling him close and hugging him tight. So many things he wanted to say now, but he didn't have time for it.
Everyone knew that Taemin was a whore before and that he was now Kai's lover, so he could imagine the horrible things the other men would do to him. And when that thought hit Taemin, he started to violently shake, all the flashes of his memory hitting him, making him pull Kai's clothes and pull him closer, as if that could make him wake and see that everything was a nightmare that himself caused.
He could feel the pain of being beaten over and over again whenever he misbehaved, he could hear their screams asking him to stop fucking crying when he was being trained and remember how lonely he felt all that time.
He didn't want this again. He couldn't take this again.
Taemin took a long breath before moving away and looking at Kai's eyes, cupping his face and kissing him clumsily, deeply, and deep down they both knew it was their last kiss. They both knew what they should do.
He moved away, walking to their wardrobe and opening a little box that not even Kai knew about the existence. Inside he had locked all the temptations he had in his life.
He had his blades, a syringe for his drugs, a box of cigarettes and in two capsules. Kai looked at it and then glanced at Taemin, until the understanding came to him and he slightly nodded.
“It won't hurt.” Taemin whispered to him as he handed him one of the capsules and a cigarette because he knew how Kai loved to smoke.
“I won't break my promise baby.” He said back and let the cigarette fall on the floor. “How long it will take?”
“One minute till your heart stops beating.” He answered and pulled him to the bed so they could oddly get comfortable in that situation. Kai quickly nodded and took the capsule, holding it in his hand and he glanced at Taemin. Even three years later, he still could only see pain, though there was a twisted, faded love in there, and even a sparkle of happiness. There's that silent question in the air and Taemin is fast to catch it. “I always knew I would kill myself one day... but dying beside you would be so much peaceful. That's why I had two capsules.”
Those words make him sad because he had promised himself that he would fix Taemin, he would save him and that's why he had dropped all his addictions, why he stopped smoking and drinking. But he couldn't save him afterall.
How could a broken boy save another one?
With shaky hands, Kai led the capsule to his mouth and swallowed. He peered at the side to see Taemin do the same, and he hated how he seemed happy with it. He held his hands, hugging him close and lying on his chest.
“I'm sorry for everything. I'm so sorry.” Kai cried out, hugging him tight and he knew that there was no time. The front door was already broken, he could hear by the loud noise, and he could see that Taemin wasn't sobbing anymore. He was extremely, oddly calm.
“You made me happy, Jongin. Being with you...” He muttered, closing his eyes. “I love you, you sick bastard.”
“I love you more, you clumsy kid.” Kai whispered back, as they used to do. The tears stopped falling and within a minute, he could see how he couldn't feel Taemin's warm breath on his arm. That got him sobbing again and before he realized everything got black for him.
And for the first time, the two broken boys met freedom.