Cecaniah (cecanniah) wrote in ccorabelle,
Cecaniah
cecanniah
ccorabelle

Lost

Title: Lost
Pairing: Hyungwon x Minhyuk
Warnings: Mentions of violence and abuse, mentions of suicide, angst, AU from Monsta x All In MV
Rating: NC-15
Final Word’s Count: ~2652
Summary: Hyungwon just wants everything to be okay.
[Lost]

Once again, there are purple bruises adorning Hyungwon’s cheek, and even though his lip is starting to scab he still can feel the metallic taste of blood. It’s a taste he is, unfortunately, familiar to; the burning pain is also an old known of him, always coming back to him.

Sometimes, Hyungwon looks at the gloomy sky at night, observing the stars and he can almost swear that they aren’t as bright as they were before everything happened. Violence and corruption were a constant factor in the citizens' life, and obeying to the military without thinking twice was practically obligatory. They were expected to follow orders, living like laboratory rats, trapped to their own sick world.

It’s not a surprise when he sees that his father has joined the army, being the religious person he is. It doesn’t make it hurt less , though, the tears still flow once in a while after he hits him, when he has to cry low so he won’t let anyone know. His friends can never discover where his injuries come from, neither why they are there.

It’s a pity that he isn’t a good liar, Hyungwon thinks as he glances at his own reflex in the mirror. It is true that his father was abusive since he was little, but it has become worse after he found out about his sexuality. In fact, even when he was just a child, he could already notice that something was different, that his son was way too quiet to a normal kid, that his eyes were never at the girls and that he smiled too much to the boys. However, Hyungwon knows his dad’s behavior got more aggressive after the day he saw him holding hands with Minhyuk, the white haired boy that lived right next door.

Despite the wounds that moment brought him, he can’t help but smile when he remembers that that was the first time he held hands with Minhyuk. He still can feel the warmth and the softness of his skin, the cute sound of his laugh and the sparkle in his eyes whenever their gaze met. At that time, Minhyuk was happy and innocent, and he turned the radio off every time the government had some frightening news to them.

But the times changed, forcing sweet Minhyuk to grow up as well. He doesn’t know yet if he should be proud of starting a revolution, mostly when his father was in the “enemy's” side. He’s quite understanding because he thinks they are just a bunch of rebel kids, and he isn’t cruel enough to murder his own son.

Minhyuk can only watch with big, scared eyes when he sees his father slapping his face. Hyungwon swallows his angry, ignoring the humiliation of being hit like that in front of his friends. He stares at the destroyed scenery, knowing that ten years ago the kid’s laughter would be filling the corridors instead of the deadly cold silence. He makes sure to run away before Minhyuk can say anything about what happened, because he won’t ever let his friends know about it.

Nevertheless, there’s no way he can hide it forever, and it’s a misty afternoon as they both are sitting on the floor, their breath still hasty and quick, the adrenaline running through their veins and their heart beating faster than usual. Minhyuk has already taken his hood off his head, but this time Hyungwon doesn’t do the same. The bruises are quite fresh yet, burning him like iron just to remind him that they are there, whispering to him that he shouldn’t be like he is, he shouldn’t be in love with his best friend. He can hear Minhyuk’s voice calling his name, making him raise his head and peer at him, and even though he can see that his hands are getting closer to the hem of the hood, he doesn’t stop him.

For the first time, Minhyuk finally sees Hyungwon in his broken state. He was used to two faces of him; the quiet, though smiling Hyungwon, and the brave boy who would always help them in fighting against the system. But he’s never, never, seen the injuries, the cuts, the way his left cheek is swollen and hurt, and he can only feel sad, confused, almost betrayed. He could have done something if Hyungwon had looked for him, had shared with him his suffering, his pain. Minkyuk gazes at his eyes, seeing how dim they had become, and it just hurts to keep glancing at him. Without saying any words, he gets up, leaving him alone in the room, and the open window allows the wind to come in, hitting his bare, hurt skin.

What will his friends say if they see him like this as well? Even Minhyuk who was always beside him, who had fallen for him, had left him within a second, what would they do? Hyungwon knows they must find him weak, a fragile saddening figure that still gets beaten up by his own father, who doesn’t have a voice. Did fighting against the system make any difference when he couldn't even impose himself? He wonders if they will think he’s been lying all this time, pretending to be someone he is not, that he will never be…

It’s been three hours since Minhyuk has left and Hyungwon is still sitting on the floor, watching the clock and seeing how the time slowly passes, listening to the ceaseless tick tock sound. Wonho and Changkyun had been missing too, and Hyungwon is sick of wondering where they are.

In fact, Hyungwon is sick of living like that. He’s been hurt for God knows how long, the scars in his body don’t allow him to forget, neither the searing cuts on his face. He’s sick of men trying to indoctrinate him, to change who he is, to cure him. He will never accept that he’s been wrong simply because he likes men, and sometimes he asks himself why does it have to be this way. He didn’t ask to be born like this, he didn’t think that love could affect his life this much.

And even though he knows Minhyuk loves him and needs him, Hyungwon doesn’t want to think right now, he just wants the pain to stop, he needs it. But the pain is still there as he enters the bathtub, laying down and letting the water cover all his face.

I can’t breathe, Hyungwon thinks, and he never realized how he was used to the feeling of drowning. For all his life he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t speak, and all he could do was to accept the storm of words and pain that would embrace him, making him slowly die. That’s why he isn’t scared as he should be, that’s why he allows the water to enter his lungs, to kill him.

The next thing he remembers is opening his eyes again, though this time he isn’t alone. Minhyuk is right beside him, resting his face on the crook of his neck, holding his hand tight. Hyungwon squeezes it lightly enough to make him jump a little, looking at him and seeing that it worked. They’ve been testing that flower’s effect, whose name was delphinium ; they’ve discovered in one of their explorations, and they’ve done several experiments with it. He knows how scared Minhyuk must be, and when he sits on the bathtub, he does the same.

“I-I thought I had lost you.” He whispers in a shaky, broken voice, and Hyungwon can see how his clothes are soaked with the water, though he doesn’t seem to care.

“You will get sick” Hyungwon mutters back in a meek voice, avoiding the topic. “Let’s get changed”

In all his life, Hyungwon wasn’t a good liar, though, and this time he can’t help but show him the glimpse of pain on his face, the way he slowly moves, trying to get out of the bathtub, wondering why Minhyuk had saved him. He wasn’t asking to be saved, not like this, because there’s no use in keeping living as he does. He’s sick of pain, he’s sick of all that, and Hyungwon helps Minhyuk to stand up, seeing the pale trails of his dried tears on his cheeks.

I’m sorry, Hyungwon wants to say, but instead he smiles when he takes a towel and dries Minhyuk’s hair. He can see how he is slightly trembling, and he wonders how much time has passed since he was in that bathtub. He is pursing his lips as he uses to do when he wants to cry and Hyungwon hates how now Minhyuk is in pain. It’s his fault again, if he hadn’t let him see the bruises, if he wasn’t so weak–

“I have done something” Minhyuk finally speaks, gazing at Hyungwon’s eyes, as if he’s analyzing his expressions, his reactions, and at the same time as if he’s looking at his bruises, asking himself for how long his boyfriend, his best friend, has been suffering alone. “I am sorry, I really am, but I had to do something, I couldn’t just–” He starts rambling, and Hyungwon holds him by his shoulders, glancing at him even when he lowers his head, and it seems that he will start sobbing.

“What have you done, Minhyuk?” Hyungwon asks, his voice is surprisingly calm, though his tone is firm, willing to know what happened.

“I… We burned the place, the facility where your…” Minhyuk’s voice breaks, the words seems to be stuck in his throat, and he looks up at Hyungwon, this time glancing at his eyes as if he can look at his soul. “Where your father was. I know he’s the one who has been doing this to you, and I was so mad when I saw how hurt you were, and I–”

The next words are nothing but mere noise to Hyungwon. There must be something wrong with him, Hyungwon thinks, because he definitely should feel something after hearing such a thing, after knowing there’s a high chance his own father is dead, but yet he can’t feel anything. Maybe he should be angry at Minhyuk for doing that, maybe he should feel sad and start grieving; but now, he only feels like a burden was taken off his shoulders.

Will he be able to live freely? Will he be able to walk holding hands with Minhyuk, to kiss Minhyuk, to make love to Minhyuk without being hurt after? Hyungwon realizes that he’s always wanted that, he’s always wanted to be himself, and he notices how perfect the memory of his first kiss with sweet, sweet and innocent Minhyuk would have been if he hadn't been spanked later. He imagines how beautiful the sunset could have been when he was holding hands with Minhyuk if he hadn't been hurt when he got home, if the screams of his father hadn't replaced Minhyuk’s soft voice.

And he concludes that yes, he’s always wanted, needed that to happen, and he can’t help but smile weakly, seeing how Minhyuk seems confused by that. There are tears in their eyes, threatening to fall and when they do Hyungwon wipes them away with his thumbs, caressing Minhyuk’s soft cheeks. He pulls him into a tight hug, stroking his back, and he doesn’t bother with how wet they both are, with how Minhyuk is still shivering, still crying, wetting Hyungwon’s neck with his damp hair and his fresh tears.

“Thank you.” Hyungwon whispers, and Minhyuk pulls away, gazing at him. Hyungwon can’t help but smile, because Minhyuk is so cute like this, though he definitely doesn’t like to see him cry. “It’s going to be alright, okay?”

“No, you don’t understand, they will come after us, after you –”

Hyungwon has this habit of making Minhyuk stop rambling with a kiss, and that’s why he presses his lips against Minhyuk’s cold, shivering mouth. It’s a gentle, innocent kiss, something that would make Hyungwon get beaten up after, and now he can do it without thinking that there will be something to ruin his happy memories. He realizes he can endure any pain if he has Minhyuk by his side, and now the pain is long gone, long forgotten; not even the burning bruises that keep hunting him down.

“It will be okay, as long as we have each other. Now, everything will be okay.” Hyungwon mutters against his lips, smiling and he shouldn’t feel happy, he shouldn’t feel grateful , neither relieved. But he feels it and he is sick of suppressing his feelings. He can see how Minhyuk is slowly calming down, though he still trembles in cold, and when he smiles Hyungwon feels his heart lighter.

“It will be okay.” Minhyuk whispers back, smiling shyly as he kisses him again.

It will be okay, now that I can be myself.




They are running the fastest they can, trying to escape from the military’s hands, but Hyungwon laughs as Minhyuk holds his hand tight, helping him to crawl under the gate. His face is bruised this time, but it doesn’t hurt as it used to, because he practically chose to be hurt when they decided to face the army like that. Hyungwon isn’t sure if his father has really died, but he is free of him anyway. The pain will always haunt them, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as before because he has Minhyuk and his friends. It isn’t a dreamy world this one where they’ve been living, Hyungwon knows that, but he still can smile and feel happy when they’re all together like that.

Minhyuk squeezes his hand softly as they walk through the forest, and they are all silent, wondering how they should organize themselves to fight back next time. He still can feel the potion’s taste in his mouth, and he smiles to Minhyuk as he mutters something about how they should drink more. They’ve been using it for a while now, but they know the limits and that it’s something to be used sporadically.

They stop at the glade, gazing at the dark night, and Hyungwon sees how the blue, bright figure in the sky, and how the light reflects on Minhyuk’s face as he smiles. Even though he doesn’t know for sure what they’ve find, Hyungwon knows this will change something.

And he can also see the small smile on Minhyuk’s lips, he can feel how he squeezes his hand again, how he leans on his shoulder as he watches that thing pulse, almost as if it’s alive. It’s an odd feeling, the warmth in his chest and the calmness in his mind, and Hyungwon kisses Minhyuk’s hair as that.

It’s like all his life has lead him to this moment, Hyungwon thinks, and he can, for the first time in a long while, feel free. Even when they are still fighting against the system, he can feel his heart light, and he can finally truly smile.

“It’s going to be okay.” Minhyuk whispers, moving a little so he can gaze at his eyes and he smirks.

“It’s going to be okay because I have you by my side.” Hyungwon says back, wrapping his hand around his neck and caressing his hair, leaning on him and kissing him as he’s done in that night when Minhyuk didn’t let him die.

But now, Minhyuk’s lips are warm and smooth, and he can feel him smiling against his mouth. He isn’t trembling as he was, he isn’t afraid of what might happen, and he isn’t worried that Hyungwon will get hurt. Because if Hyungwon gets hurt, he will get hurt too, and they both know that Hyungwon will never suffer alone again.

It is okay now, Hyungwon thinks as he holds hands with Minhyuk, the person who has saved him from death and saved his soul.

It is okay now, because I love you.

Tags: all in, angst, hyungwon, lost, minhyuk, monsta x
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