Stigma (5/5)

Title: Stigma
Pairing: Yoongi x Jin, Taehyung x Jungkook, Jimin x Hoseok
Warnings: Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, hospitalization, smut
Rating: NC-17
Final Word’s Count: ~16.400
Summary: After their mom shoots herself, Yoongi decides to take care of his younger brother, Jungkook. As they grow up, Yoongi starts following her steps, but Jungkook will do whatever he can to stop him of staining the wall with his young blood.


[Stigma (5/5)]

In the next day, Seokjin texts him after he takes him home, sending him a silly video of a cute dog. It makes him smile and they spend the whole afternoon exchanging messages like that; Jungkook asks if the person who is making him laugh is the same one who left a hickey on his neck.

It takes only a week before they meet again; and this time they talk about more than art. Knowing Seokjin is aware of his past, Yoongi slowly starts to rely on him, mostly after the day when he had a relapse and Seokjin helped him to get through it. It happens sometimes, Yoongi learns it’s natural for it appear, and he accepts those feelings so he can overcome them. The worst times are those in which he feels an irresistible thirst for alcohol, or those which he sobs until there’s no more tears, his heart racing in fear and despair as he overthinks. Seokjin has seen him in one of those moments, after a movie they were watching together triggered some memories, and he’s as supportive as he can be.

Seokjin doesn’t leave his side; it’s exactly the opposite, once the older boy asks him if he wants to be his boyfriend, and Yoongi doesn’t even hesitate before saying yes. He starts spending a lot of time in his house, and he’s okay with it because Jungkook isn’t alone as Taehyung takes care of him.

Sitting down on the floor, Yoongi opens his old notebooks, Seokjin is resting his head on his shoulder. Respectfully, he moves his eyes away as Yoongi skims his journal, the memories flooding his brain. Now that he’s overcome his demons, it’s obvious for him how sick he was. His handwriting goes uneven as the text goes on, the pages filled with anguish and pleads for help, with the false thought he had of the world, of life itself.

“We should burn these.” Yoongi comments casually, closing it and throwing it back to the box. It’s not like he wants to forget his past; he just don’t need it anymore, he won’t keep dwelling on it. He has a bright future in front of him, a story he’s about to write it by himself, no matter what happens and who tries to interfere with it. Tossing those books on fire will allow him to have plain, white sheets to write on.

And Yoongi still does have a long story to write.


Yoongi’s eyes are brimming with tears of happiness as he watches Jungkook on stage; he dances magnificently, better than he’s ever had, his body swings naturally, sensuality overflowing from his movements. He’s a success, his name well known and his concerts are always crowded. Yoongi is on the front row, as usual, telling everyone that he is HIS brother and feeling extremely proud.

All of them go out for dinner after the show; Seokjin pays for their food, and Taehyung accepts the free meal without hesitating. It’s a pleasant night, and soon enough Hoseok and Jimin joins them.

It’s not a secret that Yoongi used to consider Jungkook like his only family, but now as he hangs out with the five boys he realizes he’s been wrong. They are all family; it’s as though he’s a puzzle and they are all the pieces that complete him.

“I have something to tell you.” He tells Jungkook when they are at home, and his brother seems worried at his tone; Yoongi smirk to soften the atmosphere. “I’m going to college. Taehyung will take care of you from now on since I’ll be moving away.”

“You’ve already done your job, hyung.” Jungkook says calmly after they talk, kissing his cheek. “Go make your dreams come true and be happy.”

With a smile in his lips, Yoongi hums in agreement.

It’s okay to be happy now that he’s learned how to.


a/n: i want you all to know that you can be helped. things do get better. please, reach out for a friend and ask for help.
never forget you're strong.
recovery is hard, but don't give up yet.
thank you so much for reading my story! please, tell me what are your thoughts about it. i love comments and i answer every single one.
also, feel free to share with me any feelings you want to <3
english is not my mother tongue so i'm deeply sorry for any grammar mistakes.
thank you again!

Stigma (4/5)

Title: Stigma
Pairing: Yoongi x Jin, Taehyung x Jungkook, Jimin x Hoseok
Warnings: Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, hospitalization, smut
Rating: NC-17
Final Word’s Count: ~16.400
Summary: After their mom shoots herself, Yoongi decides to take care of his younger brother, Jungkook. As they grow up, Yoongi starts following her steps, but Jungkook will do whatever he can to stop him of staining the wall with his young blood.

[Stigma (4/5)]


Truth be told, Yoongi thought it would be hard for him to adapt into the city’s busy life again. However, he is surprised by how he can talk to people again, how he finds another job and how he actually likes his routine rhythm. Since he doesn’t get out at night to drink, Yoongi has a lot of time to rest and to study; he’s managed to finish school through a test, but he’s still working hard, wanting to become as smart as Jungkook.

They are both lying down on Jungkook’s bed, Yoongi’s nose buried in a book, trying to understand a formula that doesn’t make sense to him. He hates physics but he loves it as well; it’s nice to have a challenge, it makes him feel great when he overcomes it. Jungkook is lazily scrolling down through his notifications, his face bright with the light of his cellphone, and Yoongi yawns, putting the book aside. It’s almost eleven and he should go sleep, he concludes, and he starts to get up. Jungkook holds his wrist, pulling him back.

“I don’t like to sleep alone.” Jungkook confesses; he’s gotten so used to having Taehyung with him that when he’s out, he can’t fall asleep. Yoongi doesn’t complain, he didn’t have a chance to sleep with Jungkook since that night before the accident and Taehyung will only be back in a week.

“Are you afraid of the dark?” Yoongi teases him, and Jungkook laughs, throwing a pillow at him.

“You idiot.” He scolds, putting his cell phone aside and lying down properly, whimpering softly when he pulls his leg up.

“Does it still hurt?” Yoongi asks in a low voice.

“Not always, but I danced a lot today.” Jungkook answers and turns his face to Yoongi. He looks at him, analyzing every detail of him; his hair is blonde, and Jungkook likes it, it matches with his dark eyes and with his pale skin. “Hyung. Are you happy?” He questions, all of sudden.

Although Yoongi usually would take a long time to elaborate a reply, he already knows what to say. “I’m learning to be happy.” He mutters and motions with his head. “What about you? Are you happy even after what happened to you?”

“Yes.” The word falls quickly from Jungkook’s tongue, followed by a shy smile. “It was good for me to realize that dancing shouldn’t be the main reason for me to keep living. I learned to appreciate the small things, like the butterfly you drew, the breakfast I ate, the funny day I had. I am happy.”

It makes Yoongi proud, hearing Jungkook talk, seeing the way he purifies the bad things into good, even when such a tragedy happened in his life. He feels as though his effort was paid off and he doesn’t regret a thing; well, he does regret taking all those medicines and hitting Jungkook, but he knows all his sacrifices were worth because Jungkook is okay. And this time, himself is okay too.

“How is your relationship with Taehyung? I don’t see you bruised anymore.” He asks, giggling softly, changing the topic. “You used to always have a hickey on your neck.”

“Huh, about that…” Jungkook doesn’t laugh as he thought he would. “We really didn’t have sex since that day.”

“Why?” The question slips from his mouth before he can even think, as he’s curious about such a behaviour.

“I…” Jungkook starts and he doesn’t seem very comfortable about that. “I don’t want him to see my body. I’ve been bathing alone because I’m too ashamed.”

Certainly, Yoongi is surprised by that. How could Jungkook be embarrassed by such a thing? He’s indeed a beautiful boy, and he is thin and his stomach is flat, his skin is pale and soft. He’s about to say that, but then he remembers that was before the accident.

“Let me see.” Yoongi mutters, and Jungkook blushes at that. He hesitates for a few moments before nodding and he sits down, his fingers reaching the hem of his shirt and pulling it off, the cold air hitting his bare body.

There’s a big scar on his back, the new skin has grown over it and it’s in an ugly red tone. Some smaller gashes are peppered over it, but it’s not as bad as when Yoongi crawls to his side, looking at his chest. There’s a burn on it and Yoongi frowns.

“It’s from the CPR.” Jungkook mumbles and Yoongi bites his lips. “I… It took some time for someone to come help me and I lost a lot of blood.” He explains and Yoongi feels terrible. He already feels the guilt coming back to haunt him until he remembers to breathe, to reassure himself that it’s gone and there’s nothing he can do to undo what is done. He can’t suffer because of the past, neither because of the future, and he nods.

“I think your scars are beautiful.” Yoongi speaks softly, moving his face closer to Jungkook’s. “Just like you are.” He adds, kissing his chin before he goes down, planting a smooth peck to the burn, dragging his lips along the burn and gently kissing it, sucking the skin, hearing Jungkook gasp at that.

“H-hyung…” Jungkook moans low, blushing harder but Yoongi ignores it.

“I’m sorry. For everything.” Yoongi whispers as he turns around, doing the same to the scar on his back, sliding his lips over it and peppering it with affectionate kisses, not missing a spot. “Taehyung loves you, Kookie, not your body.” He finishes as he kisses over his shoulder, seeing how Jungkook shivers at that.

Finally, Yoongi pulls away, smiling at him.

“Let Taehyung see you and tell me if he won’t do the same I did.” Yoongi says, handing him his shirt and watching as he dresses himself, still blushing and he hums in agreement. He lies down, turning the lamp off and pulling Jungkook close, cuddling with him and holding him. It’s just like when they were small and Jungkook had a nightmare, though this time there is no tears of fear, only a silent understanding shared between the two brothers.

Yoongi feels a bit nervous as he combs his hair, making sure it’s like he wants it to be, and then he underlines his eyes with the eyeliner, his hand trembling slightly and it’s been so long since the last time he went to a party. Hoseok invited him, saying that they should have some fun together, and Jungkook insisted that he should go.

The doorbell rings and Yoongi swallows, taking his bag and shoving his wallet, tooth brush, medicines and phone inside it. Jungkook gives him a condom (just in case, he says), and Yoongi blushes as he thinks that’s been over three years since the last time he had sex. As he enters the car, he greets Jimin, who’s sitting beside Hoseok, and distracts himself with his phone.

“It’s going to be fun. It’s a party with Jimin’s university friends.” Hoseok explains and Yoongi hums in agreement, his heart beating faster.

“Relax hyung.” Jimin says when he peers at him through the rearview mirror, noticing how stiff Yoongi looks. “You look pretty.”

“Thanks.” Yoongi answers, not moving his eyes from the screen and he starts writing down his feelings as he’s used to do, his journal is filled with anger, happiness, frustration and sadness. It helps him to calm down, and soon enough they arrive.

Although Hoseok offers him his hand, Yoongi doesn’t take it, wanting to experience this by himself. He doesn’t know anyone there, but Jimin introduces him to a few friends and he shares a small talk with him.

Panic flows through his body as Hoseok pulls Jimin away, whispering something dirty in his ear and giggling with excitement. Yoongi rolls his eyes and tries to relax, though he’s barely talking to the boys he met and he’s more interested in watching the clock, which is a naked woman and makes him laugh, because boys are so stupid when they are young. He wishes he could be stupid, too, but life has made him grow up fast.

“Hey.” A boy approaches, making Yoongi gasp in surprise. He lifts his eyes, glancing at him. He’s tall, his hair is light brown and he has big eyes; Yoongi thinks he’s cute. “I’m Kim Seokjin, but you can call me Jin.”

It takes him an entire second before he remembers he’s expected to say his name as well. It’s odd meeting new people, especially when the music is so loud and the crowd is either drinking their problems away or making out obscenely. His mind races with thoughts, wondering why is this Seokjin talking to him, why is he smiling and why he looks so fucking gorgeous with tight jeans.

“Min Yoongi.” He finally says, bowing his head respectfully and starting to gaze at the clock again, tapping his fingers on the table.

“You’re friends with Jimin, right?” Yoongi peers at him, noticing the other boys have left them alone and he feels trapped like a mouse. He nods in answer, sipping his non alcoholic beverage. It’s the first time he’s in a place with alcohol and he deliberately refuses it; he’s walked a long path to fall down again. “He’s my friend too.”

Thirty minutes have passed since he’s met Seokjin and the tension between them increases at every second. Jin’s left hand rests on his thigh, and he laughs when Yoongi tells him sick jokes, those Jungkook hated and he couldn’t tell anyone. It takes another half an hour until Yoongi smiles at the way he talks, approaching him unconsciously, their bodies sticking.

Seokjin is twenty four, three years older than him, and he’s an Art major. Yoongi asks him all the questions about the college, it makes him excited to think that he could try that, that if he keeps studying he can do the entrance exam and enter the university.

“When I was in the hospital, I read a lot of books and painted all day.” Yoongi explains him why he knows all the artists, even those Jin never heard about.

“Well, college is going to be easy for you.” He comments and Yoongi is happy he doesn’t pry at the mention of his hospitalization, neither on the fact that he’s probably the only one drinking soda instead of alcohol.

“I’m not sure if I will be able to enter it, though.” Yoongi mutters and Jin laughs, ruffling his hair playfully.

“Listen to your hyung. You’re smart, it won’t be difficult.” Jin speaks, moving closer and facing him, smiling as he sees Yoongi is staring at his lips. “Besides, I need a new roommate. Jimin used to be mine until he started to skip classes to sleep with his boyfriend.”

Before Yoongi can even process what is happening, he feels soft lips being pressed against his; his heart speeds up and he takes a full moment until he relaxes, closing his eyes and parting his lips, allowing Seokjin to deepen the kiss. It sends waves of pleasure to his brain, a small moan escapes from his throat when Jin presses him against the couch, kissing over his jawline.

“Fuck” Yoongi breathes out, his cheeks ruddy and his body feel extremely hot. “I want to forget everything.”

“I can help you with that.” Seokjin gets up, pulling him with him and Yoongi feels drunk from their kiss. He remembers his therapist telling him that he should focus on himself and he realizes it’s something he wants really badly.

“You gonna show me your dorm?” Yoongi asks, following him and the rush of excitement coursing through his veins, feeling as though he’s a teenager again.

“Of course.” Jin hums, walking to his apartment, which isn’t far, and they talk on the way, not about what they intend to do, but about art and things Yoongi loves. It’s a light conversation, which totally contrasts with their kisses as they enter his dorm, and Yoongi laughs as he stumbles as they try to walk and kiss.

“I see you’re a mess just like me, hyung.” Yoongi points out, and Jin shushes him with a peck, pushing him into the room.

“I usually don’t bring anyone here.” He answers, helping him take his shirt off and doing the same, throwing it to the floor and making him lie down, catching his lips in a needy kiss. When Yoongi tries to speak, he kisses him harder, smiling. Yoongi closes his eyes, tilting his head to the side when Jin starts kissing all over his neck, sucking the skin and marking it, and he can’t help but think about how good this feels, about how hot Seokjin is as he groans slightly, grinding against him. “You wanna forget everything?”

“Everything, for just one night.” Yoongi agrees, and he isn’t ashamed of how well his body is answering to his touches, his cock already getting hard as he keeps rubbing his crotch over it, panting softly as he nibbles his earlobe. “Please”

“Hyung will give you what you want.”

The way Seokjin speaks, the words he chooses makes Yoongi more excited about doing this; the fact that he isn’t in control, that is Seokjin who is leading the way, grinding his hips in a sexy way and making him feel good, it’s what keeps him going. Yoongi is tired of always being the ‘hyung’.

Desperately, Yoongi pulls his chin up, pushing his tongue between his parted lips and he can feel the slight taste of the alcohol; he panics a little, and he breaks the kiss so he can breathe, calm himself down and silently assure that he will not walk back all the progress he made just because of that. That doesn’t go unnoticed by Seokjin, but again, he doesn’t pry on it and he uses that time to pull Yoongi’s pants off, doing the same to his own.

“Fuck, you’re hot.” The older praises him, going back to his neck and leaving a dark hickey on there. It makes Yoongi laugh as he feels young, and he doesn’t feel guilty for having sex with someone he’s never seen before. Somehow, it’s easier this way, and he moans when Seokjin slides his lips along his shoulder, going down and sucking on his nipple.

“H-hyung.” He breathes out, his chest rising up fast and Seokjin moves his fingers to the other nub, rubbing it. His cock throb under his boxers and he closes his eyes, enjoying how the other seems to have fun teasing him, taking longer than he should until Yoongi can’t take anymore. “Hyung... please…”

For now, Yoongi is just a one night lover, and even though he wants to make him beg, he’s needy as well and he smashes his lips against his, claiming him as his own. He allows his hand to go down to his pants, feeling the smooth skin against his fingertips before he reaches for his underwear and pulls the hem down. When his digits ghosts over the velvety head, Yoongi can’t help the moan that escapes from his throat. Seokjin chuckles delicately at that, a bit surprised at his reaction, and he wraps his hand around his cock, moving it slowly.

“Oh fuck…” Yoongi grips the sheets, pulling it as Seokjin speeds up, spreading the precome over the veins of his member, feeling it grow harder and wetter at every pump.

Wanting to surprise him, he leans down silently, darting his tongue and licking all his length. Immediately, the younger open his eyes and gazes at him, and fuck, he’s so sexy like this, his cock covered by his plump lips. Seokjin is still looking at him, seeming amused at the way Yoongi’s panting as he squirms in pleasure on the bed.

The breathy noises are his reward as he bobs his head, sucking him hard, his cock feels heavy against his tongue and he loves how well he is reacting, how sensitive he is. Suddenly, he pulls away, stroking him fast and leaning forward, kissing him needily.

“Can you come for me, Yoongi?” His name falls from his mouth easily, and it’s just so damn hot and Yoongi won’t even try to hold back. Crying out, Yoongi comes over his hand, writhing and pulling the sheets harder.

“Fuck, hyung” Yoongi breathes out, sitting down and kissing him, shoving his hand in his underwear, catching him off guard and earning a hoarse groan from him. “Hyung, I want more.”

Yoongi feels proud of himself for being okay with this, for not feeling guilty for wanting him to fuck him, for being greedy and pleading for him to continue. Seokjin smiles, kissing his face sweetly and pulling away, fetching a bottle from the nightstand. They didn’t discuss the dynamics of it, but Yoongi is okay with being a bottom, mostly because he wants his hyung to take care of him.

“You’ve already done this, right?” Seokjin asks, taking his underwear off and kneeling down on the bed. Yoongi swallows when he sees his cock; even though it is big, it’s not thick, and he knows he can take it. He nods at that, instinctively spreading his legs, feeling anxious again. It’s been three years, but he isn’t embarrassed as Seokjin coats his fingers with lube and pushes one inside. It’s a weird sensation, and his hyung reaches for his free hand, holding it.

“Kiss me.” Yoongi orders, and Seokjin leans forward, kissing him lustfully, pushing a second finger inside as he sucks his tongue, muffling his cries with his mouth. Slowly, he starts thrusting his fingers, stretching him and fuck, his body is so warm.

“One more?” Seokjin whispers between their kiss and Yoongi hums in agreement, though he whimpers a bit when he pushes the last one in. “Sorry.” He soothes him, kissing over his jawline and going back to his neck, and since he discovered Yoongi is sensitive there he sucks the skin, causing his hickeys to last longer. Seokjin takes as long as he can, making sure Yoongi is ready before he pulls his fingers of him.

“There is a condom… in my bag.” Yoongi breathes out, and he tilts his head to the side, motioning to the floor. Seokjin nods, opening it and searching for the condom. He sees the bottle of pills and even though he frowns slightly, he ignores it and takes the small package, going back to the bed. He rips the plastic, carefully placing the condom on his cock.

Reaching for Yoongi’s hand again, he entwines their fingers and kisses him softly, pressing his member against his entrance and he doesn’t hurry up as he enters his body, groaning as he feels how tight he is, how his warm walls are squeezing his cock as he buries himself deep inside. Yoongi breaks the kiss to cry out, the slight burn makes him bite his lips. Seokjin notices the pain in his face and he kisses it away, waiting until he adjusts to his side before he moves.

It feels good, and Yoongi moans, liking how Seokjin fills him completely. The older starts thrusting into him, at first gently but then when Yoongi asks for more, he fucks him hard, fast, angling his hips so he will hit his prostate every time. Yoongi keeps searching for his lips, kissing him clumsily as he mewls in pleasure, melting under his hyung’s touches.

“Oh fuck… fuck hyung!” Yoongi whines, opening his eyes to look at him, and he’s simply breathtaking like this: his fringe is falling over his face, his chest shining due to the thin layer of sweat, the small noises he makes as he rolls his hips, fucking the younger boy. Seokjin locks his gaze with his, moving his free hand to stroke his cock, not teasing him and pumping it in the same rhythm of his thrusts.

Yoongi” Seokjin calls, panting heavily as he feels himself getting close. “Come for hyung.”

It’s obscene the tone of his voice and it’s enough for Yoongi to come, clenching around his cock and arching his back, squeezing his hand and smashing his lips against his. Yoongi sees white stars as he orgasms, and it’s such a freeing, wonderful feeling. Seokjin comes a few seconds later, groaning his name as that.

The sound of their hasty breath fills the room, and Yoongi gasps as Seokjin pulls away, throwing the condom in the trash and lying down beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and keeping him close. Yoongi likes the fact Seokjin knows nothing about him except the things he’s told him, and he isn’t the Yoongi that hit his brother, that was an alcoholic, that spent one year trapped in a psychiatric hospital; he’s just Yoongi, a pretty, smart boy, a good fuck.

Long fingers caress his arm absently as he calms down, the warmth of his body makes him feel safe and protected. Yoongi isn’t desperate to go home, hence he decides to stay for a while, listening to Seokjin’s heartbeat. He knows he’s taken a large step today, when he allowed himself to have pleasure, and he knows his therapist will be proud of him. Yoongi won’t say it out loud, but he’s content with himself as well.

It’s the sound of his phone ringing that wakes him up from his thoughts and he sighs, moving away and finding it in his bag. It’s Hoseok, wondering where he is, and he tells him he’s in Seokjin’s house. He’s about to tell him he’s leaving soon, but his friend suggests him to spend the night with him, since it’s already dawn and it would bothersome to go home now. He hangs out, reaching for his underwear as Seokjin does the same.

“Do you have to go?” He asks, and Yoongi shakes his head, going back to bed and cuddling with Seokjin. In the old days, Yoongi would feel he was bothering the older boy, he would feel like an intrude and would leave immediately; however, he’s learned to be confident and he knows Seokjin likes his company, otherwise he wouldn’t have fucked him in first place. “You don’t have a boyfriend, right?”

“Nope.” Yoongi chuckles softly. “Not even when I used to get drunk often I would be able to cheat on a lover.” He adds; Seokjin probably thought the person calling was a boyfriend or something like that, it’s what he assumes.

“You don’t drink anymore.” It’s not a question, he’s been observing him through the night and he’s noticed he only asked for a soda. “Jimin told me about you, to be honest.”

Immediately, Yoongi freezes. He is always afraid of being judged, he’s left his story behind because it haunts him, the weight of the things he’s done is like a ghost after him, and even though most of the times he’s able to deceive it, it always finds its way back to him. Yoongi feels small in Seokjin’s arms, a tiny little thing, and he can’t say anything, not finding the appropriate words for it.

“Hey.” He mutters gently, moving a bit so he can look at him. “It’s okay, Yoongi. Jimin ranted a lot about you, because he likes you and you’re his boyfriend’s best friend. He told me that everyone was worried about you.” His tone is mellow, and as Yoongi keeps quiet, he presses a tender kiss to his lips, smiling. “I… I want to know you better. Can you give me your phone number?”

It surprises him, actually, because Yoongi thought he would run away. It’s still difficult for him to understand that people can like him, even after knowing about his past, and it comforts him to consider Seokjin has free will and he could have avoided him if he wanted, and yet he chose to talk to him in that night. His request makes him blush and he shyly nods; his heart flutters as he’s flattered, his mind already constructing scenarios in which him and Seokjin are together in the end.

Yoongi wonders if that’s what he wishes.

Stigma (3/5)

Title: Stigma
Pairing: Yoongi x Jin, Taehyung x Jungkook, Jimin x Hoseok
Warnings: Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, hospitalization, smut
Rating: NC-17
Final Word’s Count: ~16.400
Summary: After their mom shoots herself, Yoongi decides to take care of his younger brother, Jungkook. As they grow up, Yoongi starts following her steps, but Jungkook will do whatever he can to stop him of staining the wall with his young blood.

[Stigma (3/5)]

Taehyung is holding Jungkook tightly in his arms, soothing him as he is sobbing uncontrollably. He whispers sweet words into his ear, wanting him to know that he’s made the right choice, and that Yoongi will get into the rehab so he can get better. Jungkook only nods, too broken and exhausted to say anything else, and when he falls asleep, Taehyung places him in the bed, kissing his forehead.

It’s obvious both of them are tired, but Taehyung feels that he should talk to Yoongi as well. He wants to show him the details of the rehab clinic, so he won’t be as fearful as he appears to be. He takes Jungkook’s cellphone, dialing his number, and he gets up, pacing around. Taehyung frowns when Yoongi doesn’t pick up, and he starts to worry when it’s been five minutes he’s trying and he doesn’t pick up.

On the twentieth call, he hears a Hello, and he’s about to sigh in relief when he notices it’s not Yoongi’s voice, but Hoseok.

“Hobi, can I speak to Yoongi? It’s Tae.”

“I, mm, wait a second. I think he’s left.” Hoseok answers, and Taehyung can hear his footsteps. He seems to be searching around the house; Taehyung knows how annoying it would be if he keeps asking if he’s found him already, hence he keeps quiet, heavily breathing as he waits. “Uh, I thought I had left the bathroom’s door open. I’m gonna check if he’s there.” Hoseok mutters, more to himself than to Taehyung; there’s a few knocks on the door, and Hoseok calls his name, but there is no answer. “It’s locked, fuck.” He breathes out.

“You don’t have a spare key?” Taehyung asks, panting and feeling the worry eat his insides.

“No…” Hoseok mumbles and sighs. “I’m gonna break it down, hold on.” The phone is put aside and Taehyung can hear a loud bang; it’s almost as he can see the scene, Hoseok kicking the door and trying to break it. “Fuck, Tae. Tae, call the emergency.” Hoseok screams and Taehyung gasps.

Hoseok didn’t think this was going to happen. The view of Yoongi lying down, motionless, in the bathtub breaks his heart and it aches in a familiar pain. He runs to him, checking the bottle and noticing it’s empty. Hoseok moves his hand to his wrist, pressing it and sighing when he notices he has a pulse. He pulls him out of the bathtub and sits him down, making it easier for him to breathe, and he knows there’s nothing he can do besides waiting.

It’s a terrible feeling, finding out someone in Yoongi’s spot. Jimin had been the one who found him like this, who cried and screamed for help, who held his hand tight when he woke up in the hospital. Hoseok didn’t want this to happen to his best friend, and he feels dreadful as he thinks if he could have avoided it.

“Yoongi, it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.” He whispers, rubbing his cold arms and keeping him close, wanting to warm him up. “The help will come and everything will be okay.”


It takes two days for Yoongi to wake up; his body is infected with the drugs he took and even after the gastric lavage he was submitted, he still doesn’t wake up. It seems he was completely exhausted due to his long working hours and his mental state.

The glaring whiteness of the room hurt his sight when he opens his eyes, blinking several times until he feels like he’s getting used to it. His vision is blurred and he groans, sitting down. Someone grabs his hand and he turns to the side, trying to identify the person who’s gazing at him, holding him tightly.

“Jungkook?” He whispers in a husky voice, his throat feels like sandpaper.

“It’s Hoseok.” Somehow, Yoongi can feel some disappointment in his tone and he sighs, laying back on the bed when a nurse comes in, checking his vital signs and changing the IV.

“Mr. Min, I’m glad you’re awake.” She says when she finishes, standing in front of him. Her lips are small, like a little rose, her hair is pulled back in a ponytail and the dress she’s wearing is completely white. She’s pretty, and she seems to be in her 30’s. “I’m sure you have tons of questions right now, but I need to tell you a few things first. You’ve attempted suicide, taking several antidepressants pills and alcohol, but luckily your friend found you. Since you’re at risk, you’re staying here until you recover. You’re going to receive your schedule tomorrow; you’ll be seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist.” The way she speaks is almost as she’s reading a script, and now Yoongi notices she’s tired; he can see the bags under her eyes, the way her face is emotionless as she gives him the news.

“When can I see my brother?” He asks, squirming a bit as he tries to get comfortable in the bed.

“Kookie is still weak.” Hoseok answers, looking at him affectionately. “He can’t leave the house yet.”

“Regardless his condition, you shouldn’t see him until your doctor says you can.” The nurse adds, and Yoongi assumes Hoseok told her everything. Suddenly, he realizes what’s going to happen from now on, how he is trapped in this place, how his freedom will be restrained until further order. “I’ll leave you two alone.” She finishes and closes the door after.

Silence fills the room, the faint sound of the birds outside are the only thing that can be heard through the thick white walls. Yoongi glances at Hoseok’s eyes, and for the first time he notices the suffering he’s been going through. It must be stressful, reviving the same scene, but in different roles, sitting down as he sees the reflex of his old self laying down in a psychiatric hospital bed. There is so much Yoongi wants to say, yet he doesn’t know how to articulate his words, doesn’t have the courage to do it.

“Do you understand what you’ve done?” Hoseok breaks the quietness. “How could you think this would be the best for Jungkook? If I haven’t found you, Jungkook would be mourning for you and he would be psychologically and physically hurt by you. You’re all he has, and you took away his dreams when you hit him, and now you want to take his happiness as well?” Hoseok knows sweet, soothing words won’t have an effect on Yoongi, and he needs to see the harsh reality, otherwise he won’t be able to allow himself to heal.

“He… he didn’t need me… he has Taehyung” Yoongi mumbles, as though he has to defend himself, when in fact Hoseok’s words do make sense.

“Taehyung is his boyfriend. Jungkook needs his boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need his brother.” Hoseok answers and he sighs, smiling softly and reaching for his hand again. “I know it’s hard. But you have to get better, for yourself. When was the last time you actually thought of you? When did you treat yourself? When did you feel happy because of something you’ve done and not because of Jungkook?”

The lack of a vocal reply makes Hoseok smirk, knowing Yoongi is thinking about what he spoke, and he leans down, kissing his lips. It’s a slight peck, and yet is so meaningful, it says ‘I worry about you, you’re important to me’ and it makes Yoongi close his eyes. His heart flutters and beats faster, but soon enough Hoseok pulls away, cupping his face. It’s been so long since he actually kissed someone, since someone looked at him in the way Hoseok is looking at him now, and he blushes slightly.

“Jimin is my boyfriend, and you’re my best friend, but I need both of you.” He whispers, feeling the warmth of Yoongi’s skin against his fingertips. “I love you, Yoongi. Do you know how scared I was?”

“I… I’m sorry.” Yoongi mutters, still feeling embarrassed, and Hoseok laughs, wanting to soothe the atmosphere.

“That’s rude, you know, not saying ‘I love you’ back.” Hoseok teases him, glad he managed to make Yoongi smile before he has to go away.

“I love you. Satisfied?”

“Very much.”

The first weeks are the most difficult, in which Yoongi can’t see Hoseok in order to focus only in himself, and the withdraw symptoms make it even harder. Yoongi decided to give it a try, and he shares with his therapist all his obscure thoughts, feeling ashamed of himself when she says that he is pitifully wrong about the world. However, he’s making progress, taking his medicines when he’s told to, practicing physical activities, eating healthily, writing his feelings in a notebook and allowing himself to cry when everything becomes too much.

It’s only after one month that his doctor lets him call to Jungkook. He spends the entire day thinking about what he should say, how he should say it, and he decides that he should speak the hardest things on phone. When Jungkook can visit him, he wants to have a good time and enjoy every second with his brother.

With shaking fingers, Yoongi reaches for the phone, dialing Jungkook’s number. He’s been warned about this call as well, so he is at home and quickly picks up.

“Hi, Hyung.” He speaks, and Yoongi realizes he misses him so much; he misses cooking for him, talking to him, sleeping with him, and even fighting with him.

“Hi.” Yoongi replies in a tiny voice. “H-How have you been? Is your body better?”

“I’m doing okay. My ribs healed so it doesn’t hurt when I breathe, it makes everything easier.” He laughs nervously. “I got my cast off, and I’m back to school. I… I’ve been seeing my therapist twice a week, because of everything that happened.” Jungkook’s voice drops and it’s a hard topic for both of them. “What about you?”

“I’m better.” Yoongi says after a while. “I-I’m also seeing a doctor. She’s very nice though, and my psychiatrist says I’m doing good. It was awful taking the medicines in the beginning, and it’s been a full month since I drank…”

“I’m so proud of you, hyung.” Jungkook interrupts him,  and Yoongi smiles at that. “I wasn’t very nice to you, when I called you that night… I was blaming myself for what happened, until I realized it wasn’t my choice to make. Like mom made her choice, you did yours, but I’m happy you failed.”

“Kookie… It wasn’t your fault. I… It’s still hard to see the path in front of me, but I’m slowly learning to walk again. I know you love me and need me. I have an use in Earth.”

“Of course you have, you silly!” Jungkook giggles, though Yoongi can hear the tears in his voice. “I can’t believe you thought I would get tired of you. Hyung, I love you, I just want you to be happy. But you need to trust me and to let me help you, to take care of you. Can you do that?”

“Y-yeah…” Yoongi mumbles. “I’m so sorry, Kookie, for everything… I–”

“It’s okay hyung. We are both recovering and learning to walk again.”

It’s sadly beautiful the way Jungkook speaks; his brother is literally learning to walk, and Yoongi is learning to walk without falling every time he tries, learning to see with his own eyes, casting the black veil that covered his sight away. It makes him smile, because Jungkook is simply good, too perfect for him, and he knows he has to be a better brother to him as well.

“You forgive me?” Yoongi asks quietly.

“Yes I do, hyung.” He answers. “I… I will visit you soon. I have to go now.”

“Please, come visit me.” Yoongi pleads, his heart swelling as he misses him.

“I will.” Jungkook soothes him. “Bye, hyung.”

When Hoseok comes later that day, Yoongi talks to him about Jungkook, as they sit down in the garden, the smooth breeze blowing their hair, the warm sun embracing them gently. Yoongi also talks about his mother, for the first time; it’s practically a tabu, they’ve never discussed what happened, but he decides it’s time to let it go. The tears don’t embarrass him anymore, and Hoseok shares with him some secrets about himself, and Yoongi doesn’t feel so alone. Someone else has felt exactly what he’s been feeling; being tired all day, feeling his chest heavy in sadness and pain, the anxiety eating his stomach alive, his thoughts racing extremely fast that he feels lost and confused. Yoongi realizes that these feelings don’t describe him, that they aren’t him, and that he can get rid of them.

Laying his head down on the pillow, Yoongi smiles to himself, feeling lighter than before; it’s like he is a feather, a cotton candy cloud, and when the voices knock on his door, Yoongi tells them to shut the fuck up, and for the first time, they do. Yoongi can hear his own thoughts.

Jungkook starts visiting Yoongi once a month, and then once a week; he can see that Yoongi smiles more often, that he doesn’t look sick, that he’s gained some weight and looks healthy. He finds Yoongi likes painting, and he sits and watches as he paints quietly in his room. Yoongi is still wearing the hospital clothes; they’re too loose on his body, but Hoseok says it’s cute so he didn’t ask for another size. They talk about anything and everything; Jungkook tells him about his school, about Taehyung, about his progress, and even confesses to him that he’s trying to dance again, despite the pain it brings to him. Yoongi tells him about what he likes to do, about the friends he’s made, about his relapses, and Jungkook makes him promise he will call him anytime he’s desperate. Yoongi agrees, thought he doesn’t want to worry Jungkook with his failures.

Nevertheless, it takes a full year until Yoongi can go back home. It scares him, somehow; not being able to rely on his doctor whenever he needs (even though her therapist gave him his number and told him she would always be available to him), not being watched all the time. Yoongi fears that he will fall back into addiction again, but he feels a lot confident now, he learned to believe in his own strength, in his own potential, and to love himself.

Hoseok comes to pick him up because Jungkook and Taehyung doesn’t have a driving license, and Yoongi shares with him his thoughts, admits that he’s frightened of going back to the real world again.

“Jungkook has his crutches to help him walk. You have us.”

Smiling to himself, Yoongi nods, feeling grateful. He’s never felt grateful, for all his life he’s been in misery, pitying himself and worrying about Jungkook; but now he’s able to reflect about life, to feel happy and loved.

Indeed, it’s a weird feeling coming home, and when Hoseok drives away, he feels a bit anxious. It’s an automatic answer: he starts breathing deeply, calming himself down, and before he can even knock on the door Taehyung opens it, smiling and hugging him tightly.

“Hyung! I’ve missed you!” Taehyung says, and even though they barely knew each other before things happened, Yoongi knows he’s being sincere. Yoongi answers with a smile, and Taehyung carries his bag for him as they enter the house.

Nostalgia, it’s the name of what embraces him, and he’s missed coming home and finding Jungkook sitting down on the couch. His brother cocks his head, meeting his eyes and smiling warmly. He gets up, walking clumsily and reaching him, hugging him tight. He smells like cheap shampoo, but it makes Jungkook sigh, and he closes his eyes; Yoongi always makes him feel safe.

“I… I made you ramen.” Jungkook mutters in the crook of his neck. “You’ve been eating healthy food so I thought you would like eating junk food.”

“Yeah… I would love that.” Yoongi answers and pulls away so he can gaze at his eyes. Jungkook looks young, yet mature, and both of them know how much they’ve been through.

“You’re beautiful, hyung.” Jungkook says, smiling as he looks at him. Yoongi is rather different from before; it’s like there’s a light beside him, a white aura accompanying him instead of the old dark shadows.

Yoongi smiles and pecks his cheek, turning around and peering at the stained wall. It’s always been something that bothered him, the fact that his mother’s blood never completely fade away; though he didn’t do anything to change it, since it was sort of a memory he held from her. He moves closer and touches the spot, closing his eyes and sighing. That’s not how he should remember her, he nods to himself, and he walks away, looking at Jungkook.

“I want to paint that wall.”

Right after they eat, Yoongi goes to the store to buy the paints, wanting to get rid of that painful memory as soon as possible, and he swallows when the cashier glances at him. He shakes his head, wanting to keep the bath thoughts away, and smiles to her as he fetches the paints. When he gets back, he feels relieved because things won’t be as difficult as it seems.

A colorful butterfly is what Yoongi paints over the faint blood, and he smiles when it’s done. Taehyung and Jungkook praise him, telling him that it’s beautiful. Yoongi feels as though he’s finally free of the heavy chains that have been tightly attached around his ankles.

Stigma (2/5)

Title: Stigma
Pairing: Yoongi x Jin, Taehyung x Jungkook, Jimin x Hoseok
Warnings: Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, hospitalization, smut
Rating: NC-17
Final Word’s Count: ~16.400
Summary: After their mom shoots herself, Yoongi decides to take care of his younger brother, Jungkook. As they grow up, Yoongi starts following her steps, but Jungkook will do whatever he can to stop him of staining the wall with his young blood.

[Stigma (2/5)]


Waking up after drinking too much is always a nightmare for Yoongi, but this time it’s even worse. He feels sick to his stomach and he runs to the bathroom, kneeling down in front of the toilet as he throws up. His head still hurts awfully, but he feels rested and he’s glad Hoseok gave him medicine for him to sleep. He gets up, finding Hoseok on the couch, putting his shoes on.

“Are you going out?” Yoongi asks, his throat feels raw after last night, his eyes are puffy because he cried so much.

“Good thing you’re awake.” Hoseok speaks, throwing a clean shirt to him and fetching his keys. “We’re going out. Get dressed.”

“Where are we going?” Yoongi takes the shirt, changing it, and he puts his shoes on. He’s confused and hungry, but he won’t disobey Hoseok, not when he’s the best friend he could ever have.

“To the hospital.” Hoseok sighs and turns around, glancing at him. “Look, there’s no easy way to say this and we don’t have much time. Taehyung called me this morning. Jungkook was hit by a car yesterday, next to the Han river. He’s been in surgery all night, and he’s okay now. But we have to go see him.”

“Han river?” He mutters, suddenly feeling dizzy and sitting on the couch. That’s where he went last night. When he closes his eyes, he sees clearly what happened, and instead of a dim figure, he can recognize his brother, laying down on the dirty floor, whining in pain and staining the ground with his blood. “I… I can’t go.”

“What? Yoongi, we don’t have time for this, get up.” Hoseok says, helping him put his shoes since he can barely move. “Your brother needs you.”

All Yoongi wants to do now is to scream and to cry in frustration, because he fucked up things really badly this time. He doesn’t know how he will face Jungkook after he knows he’s the one he hit with the car and that he ran away, not helping him when he most needed him. He imagines him whimpering in sheer pain, trying to breathe as his broken ribs presses his lungs so hard that makes him gasp, as he was praying in the cold asphalt. He squeezes his eyes, wanting those stupid tears to stop falling, and he sobs low as he realizes the consequences of his act.

“Yoongi” Hoseok calls him, cupping his face and making him look at him. “I know it’s hard, but please, we have to go.” He speaks, his voice softer than silk and he gets up, holding his hand and guiding him to the car. He searches for the keys in Yoongi’s pocket and enter the vehicle, putting the safety belt. He peers at Yoongi, who lays down on the backseat, his body shivering as he sobs quietly. It breaks Hoseok’s heart, to see him like this, and he drives to the hospital where Jungkook is.

Even when Hoseok parks the car, Yoongi doesn’t know what to do. He is terrified that Jungkook somehow might have discovered who hit him, and he definitely doesn’t want him to find out that it was his own brother who did it. Reluctantly, Yoongi leaves the car, holding Hoseok’s arm as they walk. He lets him talk to the nurses, too hurt to say anything, and he only nods when she asks him to sign some papers. Apparently he was the first one in his emergency contacts, but since his phone was turned off it was Taehyung who was called. It makes him sigh, because Taehyung keeps proving to him that he’s better at taking care of Jungkook.

The walk to his room is painful, each step seems to weigh a tonne; he has to keep holding himself on his friend’s forearm so he can make it through the way. When they reach the place, his heart hurts as he forces himself to push the door, and Hoseok moves away, wanting to give them some privacy. Taehyung does the same, and he smiles gently to Yoongi. It makes him conclude that neither of them know who did this to Jungkook, otherwise he wouldn’t be so friendly right now. It’s been a while since he saw Taehyung and he can see he’s as beautiful as Jungkook says, though today his eyes are puffy and there are black circles under them. He probably didn’t sleep at night, too worried about his boyfriend.

It takes a lot of effort for him to finally enter the room, and when he does, he can’t help but gasp in panic. Jungkook’s leg is in a cast, his face is slightly bruised, and each breath seems painful. He is awake, though, his gaze lost in the window. He hears Yoongi coming closer and he turns his head, glancing at him. The sheer pain is obvious in his eyes, his lips are pursed and are nothing but a thin, white line.

“They say I’ll take a few months to walk again.” Jungkook says, emotionlessly, starting to watch the window again. “A year in physiotherapy, if everything goes well. But they don’t know when I’ll be able to dance again.”

Yoongi has to hold himself on the bed so he won’t fall down. His head is spinning, he feels as though the floor is moving, his thoughts are swirling in despair and he doesn’t even know what he should do. He feels terrible, because dancing is the most important thing to Jungkook; it’s the reason why he’s still alive, why he isn’t a failure like Yoongi is. And now he’s doomed because of Yoongi’s stupidity.

“I… I’m so sorry.” Yoongi whispers, and even though he is always strong so he won’t cry in front of Jungkook, he can’t stop the tears this time. However, Jungkook is oddly calm, looking at him and analyzing his face.

“Why are you sorry?” He asks, frowning a bit. “It was my fault. I was searching for you, because I thought you would be close to the river, and I didn’t see the car coming. I am the one who should be sorry.”

“No, don’t talk like this.” He speaks, sitting in the chair next to the bed and taking his hand. There’s a gash on it, and he’s careful enough not to cause him even more pain. “I… I will fix everything. I promise.”

“How?” Jungkook deadpans, his low, broken voice is a stab into Yoongi’s heart. “Are you going to fix my leg, hyung? Are you going to stop me from getting hit? Are you going to catch whoever did this? Are y–”

“No, I won’t.” Yoongi gasps, and it’s ironical that he’s the one crying, when in fact it should be Jungkook. “But I will help you heal faster and soon you will be as good as before.”

It’s useless, Yoongi knows, because he doesn’t have any superpowers to fulfill his promise, but he wants to believe that lie. Jungkook smiles bitterly, nodding and sighing, resting his head on the pillow. Yoongi doesn’t let his hand go, stroking the scarred skin, as though the simple touch could repair the damage he caused.

Both of the boys are so lost in their own thoughts that neither of them notices when Hoseok and Taehyung enter the room. Yoongi is trapped into his own mind, chained to the feelings of guilt and regret, drowning in agony. He feels like he’s a hurricane, who destroy whatever he touches, and Jungkook is a delicate flower, which petals have been ripped from its core. Suddenly, Yoongi feels terrible for being close to someone as perfect as Jungkook, and he pulls away, getting up. His brother doesn’t even flinch, still gazing at the window, and Taehyung takes his place, sitting down and holding his hand.

The scene is painfully beautiful and makes Yoongi’s heart throb in misery; Taehyung looks at him, smiling calmly, sometimes stroking the soft threads of his hair, or caressing his bruised cheeks. He’s like the sea whilst Yoongi is the storm, he’s gentle, serene, and Yoongi has always been a furious blast, who feels too much but does too little. This is love, Yoongi concludes, as he watches them. That’s what Jungkook deserves, that’s what he needs, and Yoongi is positive he doesn’t need him anymore.

It’s a frightening feeling, though, knowing you’re not needed, knowing you have no use, that you have no place anymore. Yoongi feels he has a decision to make but he is a coward and it is difficult to do what has to be done. He is also selfish, wanting to keep Jungkook to himself, to continue by his side, even when he only causes him to suffer. He hates to see how lost Jungkook seems, as if he has died inside. Yoongi wonders if he looks like that too.

“Hey.” Hoseok mutters, shaking his shoulder. “Let’s go somewhere else. He needs to be medicated.”

Yoongi was so imprisoned in his own mind that he didn’t see the nurse entering the room, neither Taehyung giving a kiss to Jungkook’s cheek and walking away. He nods, getting up and gazing at Jungkook. His brother is still awake and it breaks his heart as Yoongi walks away, not saying anything. Jungkook was about to ask the nurse for Yoongi to stay there with him, until he fell asleep, because he’s terrified and he hates to be alone. However, Yoongi has left by his own, and he doesn’t even have the strength to call him back. He’s glad the medicines will induce him into a dreamless sleep so he won’t have to think about it.

“Is the police looking for the person who did this?” Hoseok asks to Taehyung and Yoongi wakes up from his thoughts, feeling thrilled by those words.

“Yeah, they are searching at the camera record, though it will take a few days until they get a clear image.” He answers and then reaches for Yoongi’s hand, squeezing it gently. “I know it’s hard for you, all of this. But Kookie is a strong boy and he’s going to be okay soon. He was laughing, you know, as I showed him a silly video.”

“I’m happy he’s got you. Thank you for taking good care of him.” Yoongi speaks, being fully honest and he bows slightly, pulling his hand away carefully.

“No, hyung, I am grateful because he has the best brother. He wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t you.” Taehyung says, smiling friendly. “The nurse told me he will be out in a few days. We are going to have to watch out for him, to help him because of his leg and to take care of his minor injuries, but she says it will be better for his mental health to recover at home.”

“You can stay at our house as long as you want. Kookie needs you.” It’s Yoongi’s reply and he forces a smile, though it’s more likely a grimace. “We’re going to buy food. Take some rest, kid.” He adds, not waiting for an answer as he pulls Hoseok and starts walking away. God, Taehyung is just so sweet, it makes his heart swell at the way he speaks of his brother, and he knows Jungkook is going to be fine.

On the other hand, Hoseok looks confused by how Yoongi has been acting, by how he was staring at the wall without any expression, his eyes were nothing but two dark holes, as though his feelings has vanished away.

“I need to smoke.” Yoongi groans, rubbing his forehead as the pain hits his skull and even the sunlight hurts his eyes. “I… I have to tell you a few things.” He had been considering whether he should talk to his best friend or not, but he decided that if he doesn’t say anything he will end up exploding or something like that.

Hoseok thinks about asking him not to smoke, but he saw him before and he realizes he’s on the edge of collapsing. He nods, waiting for him as he goes to the store and buys the cigarette, following him as they get back to the hospital and go up to the rooftop.

“I want to ask you a question.” Hoseok starts, moving a little away so the smoke won’t go over his face as Yoongi lights the cigarette up. “Why are you so afraid of going to a rehab?”

That surprises Yoongi a bit, and even he doesn’t know for sure the answer. However, he tells him everything; it’s almost therapeutic as he speaks about his feelings, about how Jungkook really doesn’t need him anymore, about how his thoughts have been becoming darker and darker until he feels drowning in doubt and sadness. He talks about how he destroys all he touches, about how he is a disaster and how he can’t breathe without feeling his heart burning with anxiety.

“I’m not afraid of going to the rehab” Yoongi mutters, his eyes are tearful once again, and he looks at Hoseok. “Because I don’t plain going there. The… the only thing that matters for me is Jungkook, and… he doesn’t need me.”

“Don’t say these things.” Hoseok scolds, though his voice is smooth and gentle, and he moves his hand to his shoulder, massaging it and feeling all the knots from the tension. “You know it’s not true.”

“I don’t know anything anymore.” He sobs, blowing the smoke away. “I think that’s why I can’t stop drinking, because when I do, I am left alone with my thoughts and my head just wants m–”

“Just wants you to make it stop, right?” Hoseok sighs. “Yoongi, you need help. You might not realize you do because you’re sick, but if you don’t… then you are going to end up like I did.”

“Or maybe I will end up in a cemetery.”

“Is that what you really want?” He asks, pulling away and holding him by his shoulders. “Do you want to become your mother?”

“I don’t know!” Yoongi cries out, rubbing his forehead and throwing the cigarette on the floor, stepping on it. “I fucked up things really badly this time, Hobi, and I can’t stand it.”

“Tell me what you’ve done.” Hoseok demands, still holding him and gazing at his shoulders.

And Yoongi tells him everything; he tells him how he hit Jungkook and ran away, how he thought he was a murderer, how he is the reason why Jungkook is doomed to suffer. He can’t avoid the tears from falling down and the words mix with his broken sobs. He buries his nails in his own palms, not bothering when it draws blood. It hurts less than the pain inside, which he can’t even handle with.

When Yoongi finishes his confession, he feels somehow lighter, because someone else knows of his sins. He is still trembling as a leaf and even when Hoseok pulls him closer, hugging him, he can’t stop crying. Hoseok makes him sit down and he holds his hands, looking at the scratches he caused to himself and he sighs. He’s getting self destructive again.

“Shh calm down. Breathe with me.” Hoseok whispers, breathing in and out, allowing his lungs to fill up with air before he releases it. It’s a technique that always worked when he was anxious and it seems it works with Yoongi too, because after a minute he finally stops shivering. “Feeling better?” He smiles gently and Yoongi sniffles, nodding.

“What should I do, Hobi?” He asks, and he’s never felt so lost in his life. Not even when his mother killed herself, leaving the stained wall for Jungkook and Hoseok to clean; not even when he had to drop school and start working when he was only sixteen, growing up too fast to his age.

“The police will get to your name.” Hoseok points out; he wonders how long will they take until they get the image of the license plate. “That’s why I think you need to tell Jungkook. If he’s angry, he might accept to press charges against you, and you will end up in jail.”

“God” Yoongi gasps and then he nods. Crying won’t solve his problems, and he wasn’t always this coward man he’s become. Once he was a brave boy who decided to protect his brother instead of letting him go to an orphanage. “Okay. Damn, okay. When we get home, I will tell him.”

Hoseok smiles at him and presses a chaste kiss to his forehead, and Yoongi sighs, as though those lips could heal all the pain inside. He leans on his shoulder, breathing slowly, and he feels suddenly so tired.

“Take some sleep, I will watch out for you.” Hoseok whispers and pulls him closer, rubbing his cold arms and wanting to keep him safe and warm. Not even trying to fight back, Yoongi falls asleep, dreaming about shattered glass.

Getting back home wasn’t an easy task for neither of the boys. Taehyung decided that he would stay at their house until Jungkook gets better, and there was a silent agreement that Yoongi wouldn’t go to the rehab because taking care of Jungkook was a tiring job. Fortunately, due to their effort, Jungkook was recovering fast, and within a week he managed to walk on crutches. His pain had lessened as well and his broken ribs didn’t hurt as bad as before.

Yoongi still works every day, but when he gets back Taehyung has already prepared them a delicious meal. It’s nothing like the ramen Yoongi stocks in the cabinet, or the tasteless rice they eat sometimes. In fact, Taehyung likes to cook, and he doesn’t bother spending his own money to buy them food.

After having dinner, Yoongi goes out. He can’t stand staying in the same place them Jungkook and Taehyung, they are just pure and smooth like an autumn’s breeze, like the sun in the cold winter, melting the pain away. He spends some time alone with Jungkook, but their talk isn’t deep as it used to be, the older boy can’t look at his eyes without feeling guilty, without hearing his mind scream at him that he crushed Jungkook’s dreams and hope. Therefore, Yoongi wanders at night, letting his feet take him to whatever they feel attracted, and even though he wants to stay sober, he can’t. There is no way he can’t fucking handle with the stabs in his brain, with the deep pain that seems to hit his skull, with the agony swirling in his stomach. It’s hard to fill his mouth with food when the remorse seems to be his only sustenance, but the alcohol burns his thoughts and his shame so he can feel the fake emptiness and freedom he aims.

Being the coward he is, he still hasn’t told him. Yoongi believes that somehow, maybe, the police won’t get to him, and he wishes that he’s mistaken and that it wasn’t him the person who hit Jungkook. However, Yoongi prefers to know what happened because he wouldn’t manage to have his soul accusing him of a murderer that he might not have committed.

It’s nine when Taehyung calls him, saying that they are waiting for him to eat and that he should hurry. It’s half past nine when he calls him telling him that he should spend the night at Hoseok’s house. It’s obvious that Taehyung is doing his best to hold back, he talks in an oddly friendly tone, but when Yoongi asks him why he can’t come home he answers in a clear, serious voice.

“HLJ957. I will call you later.” He says and hangs up. Yoongi freezes, clenching his hands so hard that his knuckles get white, smashing the cigarette between his fingers. That’s his number, and Taehyung knows that HLJ957, also known as Min Yoongi, has hit his boyfriend and ran away, leaving him agonizing in the icy street.

There is really nothing he can do right now, though, besides waiting for the storm to come. He walks to Hoseok’s house, not drunk this time, and he feels vacant instead of desperate. When Hoseok asks what’s wrong, he tells him that they’ve discovered the truth and he sits down on the couch, getting a snack from his pocket and munching it. He is fucked up enough to start crying and the numbness he feels stops him from doing so.

It’s Thursday and Jimin isn’t around on Thursdays, so Yoongi can sleep on the bed, which is more comfortable than the sofa. He turns his head and watches as Hoseok opens the bathroom cabinet, fetching his medicines and taking it.

“You don’t want to talk, right?” Hoseok mutters, lying down and resting his head on his lap. Yoongi hums in agreement and starts running his fingers through his hair.

“I just want to spend some time with you.” He answers and Hoseok blushes faintly. “I love you, do you know that? You’re amazing. You’re the best friend I could ever dream of.”

“Yoongi, why are you talking like that?” He questions, glancing at his eyes. It makes him feel afraid and worried, instead of flattered, because Yoongi never shows affection.

“I might wake up in jail tomorrow.” Yoongi shrugs and he keeps caressing his hair, liking the soft sounds he makes when he starts feeling sleepy. Yoongi knows that even though Hoseok wants to talk to him, the medicine lullabies him into a peaceful, drug induced sleep.

However, Yoongi can’t fall asleep. He’s thinking about what decision he should make, depending whether will Jungkook want him in jail or not. His cellphone rings a few hours later, one hour past midnight, and he carefully carries Hoseok in his arms, laying him on the bed and closing the door, not wanting to bother him. He picks the phone up, and the numbness tricking his feelings leaves, the despair taking its place.

“Hyung” The wobbly voice belongs to Jungkook, Yoongi can easily say he has been crying because he can feel the wetness of his tears in his tone. “Hyung”

“I’m here.” Yoongi assures him and even though he wishes he could be there to calm him down, he doesn’t know if he would be able to face him after he found out the truth. “You don’t know how sorry I am, Jungkook. If I could undo what I did…” He lets the sentence die in the cold air, his chest throbs in regret.

“Stop lying.” Jungkook sobs “Stop lying to me and to yourself. You’re not sorry because you’re still fucking spending your nights drinking as I am here crying because it fucking hurts.”

“You don’t underst–”

“No, YOU don’t understand. I wouldn’t be angry at you if this was an accident. But it was your fault, hyung, because you were fucking drunk and you didn’t care and drove home instead. And that’s not even the worse! How heartless are you to hit someone and run away?”

“I didn’t see it was you!” Yoongi tries to defend himself, but he knows it’s not a valid argument.

“What’s the difference, huh? It would be okay to ruin someone else’s dreams if they aren’t me?” He asks, and there’s no answer, of course. Yoongi didn’t think about that; about the grandiosity of what he’s done. “They asked me if I want to press charges against you. I said I won’t.” Jungkook breaks the silence, and Yoongi gasps in surprise. Just by how mad he is, he supposed he wouldn’t let this pass unseen.

“You won’t?” Yoongi repeats, his hands are shaking badly.

“You’re my brother, I couldn’t do that to you” Jungkook sniffles, a bit calmer now. “I know you’re sick, hyung, and I know how hard it is. But that doesn’t justify how you’ve been acting. You need help.”

“I’ve already told you I’m not sick” He interrupts him, unconsciously his free hand slips into the sleeve of his shirt and he digs his fingernails hard into his skin.

“We’ve been eating ramen for two months, so you can buy alcohol! Isn’t that sick enough?” Jungkook points out and then he sighs. “Don’t answer that. Hyung, you’re changed. I don’t recognize you anymore.”

“I’m still the same, Kookie.” Yoongi mutters and he scratches himself harder, wanting those stupid tears to go away, wanting the flame eating his heart to fade away.

“Thing is, you’re not. You don’t even look like my brother Yoongi.” Jungkook hisses in a cold, hurt voice and that shatters the rest of Yoongi’s soul. It’s his biggest fear, that Jungkook will stop loving him and those words torture him, stabbing him deep inside. “My brother Yoongi would ask me how it was my day, he would cook my favourite food on my birthday; we would talk together during school and he would spend his nights with me. He would comfort me after a nightmare and take care of me, but he would let me take care of him as well. I would be the one to kiss his tears away, not the alcohol that wipes his feelings until there’s nothing left.”

Yoongi is a crying mess, and he doesn’t even try to hide it from Jungkook. He feels terrible, and he wants to say he’s sorry, but words won’t fix what he’s done. It won’t heal Jungkook’s body, neither glue the pieces of his broken heart.

“I want him back.” Jungkook concludes, and even though he’s sobbing his voice is firm and clear. “Don’t come see me until you recover your old self, hyung. I love you, but you need to treat yourself.”

“What? Kookie, no, I can’t stay away from you.” Yoongi gasps, his hands trembling violently as he can’t even process those words. “Please. Who is going to take care of you?”

“Taehyung.” He mutters. “You’ve taken good care of me, hyung. Now you have to take care of you.”

“Taehyung doesn’t know what’s best for you. He’s just a boyfriend!” Yoongi sobs, exasperated.

“And you’re just my brother. Plus, I know what’s best for me.” Jungkook snaps, apparently offended by his words. “I’ll go visit you in the rehab, hyung.” He finishes and hangs up.

It takes him an entire minute until he can understand what just happened. Jungkook doesn’t want to see him, doesn’t need him, and Yoongi’s mind can only conclude that he doesn’t have an use anymore. He even feels as though Taehyung has replaced him, taken his place and conquered Jungkook’s heart. Yoongi is a disposable person, who everyone gets tired of, and he sobs as he discovers the whole truth.

His father abandoned his mother when he discovered she was pregnant of Yoongi, his mother killed herself to get rid of Yoongi, and now Jungkook had replaced him as well. Soon enough Hoseok would leave too, and he would be homeless, friendless, loveless, brotherless. That’s what he is, a burden.

“I can’t breathe.” He chokes out, there’s dry blood in his skin and his heart just hurts too much. Yoongi knows he has a decision to make, but he knows that he will be alone in the end. He will suffer and end up alone. So… why not end his suffering earlier?

When this hypothesis appears in his sick mind, he stops crying. Everything seems so clear, and Yoongi is used to see through a black veil that he is surprised he can see the right choice. He knows that Jungkook might suffer in the beginning, but it’s the best for him. Even though his brother won’t admit it, Yoongi will always know what’s best for him.

Sacrifices have to be made, Yoongi affirms to himself, and he has to be the one who will do it. Getting up, he reaches for a paper, and with shaking hands, he writes a single sentence.

I love you. I’m sorry. Goodbye.” The note isn’t directed to only Jungkook; it’s for Hoseok as well, and all the friends he’s abandoned because of his condition. Although he is still quivering, Yoongi feels as though for the first time he’s finally certain of what he wants.

The kitchen seems far as he walks slowly, and when he gets there he opens the fridge, smiling when he sees a beer. It belongs to Jimin, and he fetches some money from his pocket, placing it on the table, so Jimin will be able to buy another one. The walk for the bathroom is more difficult, and he locks the door inside, not wanting to be bothered.

Starting to cry again, he opens the cabinet, taking the bottle with the pills and sitting down in the bathtub. The pills will put him to sleep, death will come peacefully and everything will be okay. That’s what Yoongi blindly believes, or what he convinces himself to believe, and he doesn’t feel guilty.

The first pill is the most difficult to take, and the beer is weak as water. However, the second is easier, and soon enough Yoongi has taken all of them. He lays down on the bathroom, and as the time passes, his mind starts swirling around, his stomach feels sick and the drugs induce him into a deep, deadly sleep.

Stigma (1/5)

Title: Stigma
Pairing: Yoongi x Jin, Taehyung x Jungkook, Jimin x Hoseok
Warnings: Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, hospitalization, smut
Rating: NC-17
Final Word’s Count: ~16.400
Summary: After their mom shoots herself, Yoongi decides to take care of his younger brother, Jungkook. As they grow up, Yoongi starts following her steps, but Jungkook will do whatever he can to stop him of staining the wall with his young blood.

[Stigma (1/5)]


The tears that are rolling freely along the smaller boy’s cheek mix with the cold rain, making impossible to distinguish whether he’s actually crying or just getting soaked. He holds his brother’s hand as tight as he can, running and screaming for someone to help them.

It doesn’t take too long before they get noticed by the police, and little Jungkook is so scared that he hides behind Yoongi, sniffling. “Our mom… she won’t answer” Yoongi says to him, trying to ignore the fact that she won’t ever open her eyes again.

Actually, the image of their dead mother fallen on the floor, surrounded by her own blood, after shooting herself won’t ever leave their mind.


Having a routine is something Yoongi always feared, but now he sees himself with an apron as he cooks for his brother. It’s just ramen, because he doesn’t have much money for the rest of the month and they need to save it. He yawns as he peers at the clock; it’s already nine, Jungkook should be home soon enough.

After their mother died, Yoongi emancipated himself so he could take care of Jungkook; they had sixteen and twelve years old, respectively, and they both were obligated to grow up faster than they wish. He did not regret, though; he is glad Jungkook is healthy and happy, a talented boy who loves to dance and sing. Yoongi drop school in order to work and get money, but Jungkook is soon going to graduate and get into a good college. That’s what matters, Yoongi tells himself that every day.

It’s okay as long as Jungkook is okay, he says as he sits down, filling his glass with cheap vodka and drinking it. It doesn’t bother him the fact that he isn’t okay, that he’s working ten hours straight, that he spends some of his nights drinking until he throws up in a dirty toilet. He’s slowly killing himself, and even though his mom did the same thing, he is not a coward as she was. He won’t leave Jungkook like she did, not as he still needs him.

It doesn’t even burn his throat anymore, Yoongi notices as he drinks, and he sighs, looking at the watch again. He’s starting to get worried because Jungkook should be home at now. He takes his phone, dialing his number, and he’s surprised when he doesn’t pick up. Anxiety starts attacking his stomach as he tries it again and he doesn’t answer. Yoongi is too busy calling him and wondering where he could be that he doesn’t hear the door opening, doesn’t even have time to hide the bottle away.

“Hyung” Jungkook calls, moving closer. He was planning to go to his room, but when he sees the booze he can’t help but feel angry. “What were you doing?” He asks, pointing to his glass. Yoongi turns around, looking at him and laughing bitterly as he sits down again. He empties his cup, swallowing its content and filling it up again.

“You are late.” Yoongi speaks, raising his eyes to glance at him. He spots a small bruise on his neck, what means he was probably with his boyfriend again. Not that Yoongi is bothered by that: in fact, he’s glad Jungkook has Taehyung because he takes care of him in school and makes him happy. A year ago, the bruise wouldn't be on his neck, but on his face, as those idiots liked to tease him and bully him. “Were you dancing with Tae?”

“Yeah, we will have a concert soon.” He says, his eyes shining with excitement and he momentarily forgets about Yoongi and his alcoholism. When he’s dancing, everything seems to fade away; all the tears he’s shed, all the pain throbbing in his heart, all the worries he carries with him. It’s a good reason for him to keep living, to be able to sing and dance on stage, doing what he loves the most.

“I will be on the front row.” He tells him, emptying his glass once more and getting up to go finish the ramen. Yoongi can see the way Jungkook swallows at that, almost as if he’s wondering whether his brother should go or not. It’s an odd reaction, because he’s always happy to see him at the concerts, but Yoongi decides to leave it for now. “You must be hungry. Let’s eat.”

The younger throws his backpack on the couch, sitting down as Yoongi serves him. His phone vibrates and he takes it from his pocket, smiling as he sees a message from Taehyung. He texts him back, informing him about the meal and that he wants to talk to him later. Jungkook can’t hide the frustration as he starts eating, because it’s been a few months since they didn’t eat anything but ramen.

The main problem isn’t the cheap food; in fact, Jungkook never bothered with sleeping some nights without having dinner just to save money, and he knew Yoongi did his best to keep them both alive. The thing is that he’s been spending a lot with alcohol, what forced him to be careful when buying other stuff. Jungkook wasn’t annoyed by eating the same thing every day; he could simply go to Taehyung’s house whenever he wanted and his boyfriend would prepare a delicious dinner. He is frustrated with Yoongi’s attitude, with the fact that he can’t realize what he’s doing to himself.

As usual, Yoongi asks him about school, wanting to know about his day, and he’s deeply interested in hearing about those things. He loves to listen to him talk about simple, daily topics, it makes him get distracted from the thoughts swirling in his mind, slowly driving him crazy. Jungkook is the only one who has that effect on him (so when he’s not around, he needs his alcohol to keep him alive). His smiles make him feel like he’s worth something, that his effort paid off; he almost can feel proud of himself.

Every night, Jungkook sleeps early, however today he wants to spend a long time with Yoongi. It’s really nice when they get to talk like this, and Yoongi asks him about his boyfriend, when he’s going to meet him again.

A muffled yawn escapes from Jungkook’s mouth and Yoongi laughs softly at that. He peers at the watch and notices it’s already midnight. He has to wake up at five to go to work and he is deadly tired.

“We both should go sleep.” He says, getting up. “Goodnight Kookie.” He kisses his forehead as he always does, turning around and going to his own room. Jungkook runs to him, holding him by his wrist.

“Can I… sleep with you?” He mutters, and Yoongi arches his eyebrows, a bit surprised. It’s been a while since the last time they slept together, and it was in the night when Jungkook’s nightmares got really bad. A quick nod is his answer, he takes his hand and holds it, guiding him to his room. Compared to Jungkook’s, his place is a complete mess, his clothes are all over his bed, his socks on the floor. Jungkook pretends not to see when he spots a cigarette; he was suspicious he had been smoking, but he didn’t want to annoy his brother with this now. Nevertheless, the sight of that small, dangerous object, makes him even more sure of what he has to do soon.

All his clothes are thrown on the ground, instead of putting them on the wardrobe, and Yoongi pulls Jungkook to lie down with him. He stares at the younger’s face; his chocolate eyes match perfectly with his dark hair, his skin is as white and soft as porcelain, and he wonders if they are really brothers. Jungkook is the light, whilst Yoongi is the darkness, a broken, pitiful figure. Jungkook is so strong, finding a reason to live for, having friends and even a boyfriend, being able to handle everything on his own. Yoongi is just… Yoongi.

“Did you take your medicines?” Yoongi asks in a gentle voice, receiving a hum in agreement. It’s been a full year now since Jungkook started seeing a psychiatrist, and he’s improving a lot. He’s still depending on his medicines because he suffers from insomnia, but it’s definitely better than before. Yoongi is proud of him, he’s glad he accepts to search for help, and he won’t admit he needs help as well.

As though he’s a sleepy kitten, Jungkook crawls to Yoongi, cuddling with him and hugging him. When they are lying like this, Jungkook seems so young, so innocent, just like the little Jungkook that were crying in the rain, five years ago. He likes his warmth, the way he clings to him, almost desperately. He wonders if something happened to him at school, since he usually isn’t that needy for affection. Asking will do no good, he concludes as he kisses his hair and whispers good night.

It’s a rare moment, indeed, in which Yoongi can feel at peace. Jungkook has this power of calming him down, by making him feel that everything will be okay and he won’t fucking shoot himself like his mom did. He gives him courage to carry on, he’s the main reason why he is still breathing. Yoongi promises in silence that he will always be there for Jungkook, until he needs him. Perhaps in the day Jungkook moves, when he can say that he’s fully happy, then Yoongi can rest. For now, though, he has to keep fighting for him.

“I love you, hyung.” Jungkook breathes out, almost asleep. That gets Yoongi frowning; something must have happened to him. He rarely tells him that he loves him, except when he’s feeling emotive or sad. It worries Yoongi, but he decides to let him sleep. He will talk to him in the next day. He also notices the hesitation on Jungkook’s voice, as if he’s fighting with himself for some unknown reason, and he’s slightly trembling, though Yoongi is positive he isn’t cold.

“I love you too.” Yoongi mumbles back, gently playing with the threads of his hair, allowing the sleep to embrace them and take them into its arms.

The sun enters the room, the curtains are too thin to avoid its glaring light. Yoongi isn’t in bed anymore; he is already at work, and Jungkook yawns, rubbing his eyes. Blindly, he fumbles for his cell phone, smiling when he sees a message from his boyfriend. He had promised to call him last night, but he completely forgot it, too deep into his conversation with his brother. He sits up, dialing his number.

“Kookie, you got me so worried! Why you didn’t answer my calls?” Taehyung asks, and Jungkook suddenly feels bad for ignoring him.

“I’m sorry Tae, I was talking to hyung.” He says, and both of them are silent for an instant. “And no, I have not told him that yet.” Jungkook sighs, reading his boyfriend's mind. “I wanted to, but I just couldn’t. He was drinking when I got home and I needed to spend some time with him before…” The sentence dies on his dry lips, and he shuts his eyes close, trying to catch his breath again.

“I know.” He replies, knowing how the other boy is already getting anxious. “But you have to tell him, tonight. It’s for the best… it’s the best for him. You know that, right?”

Although it’s obvious Taehyung can’t see it, Jungkook nods in agreement. He can’t simply sit down and watch as Yoongi destroys himself day by day, as he keeps drinking that poisonous shit and letting his lungs burn as he smokes. He can’t and won’t admit losing his family, not again. It hurts him, though, it hurts because Yoongi won’t be on the front row as he promised, he won’t be waiting for him at home. But… it’s for the best, Jungkook concludes. “Yeah… yeah, I will tell him tonight. I have to go pack my things. I love you.”

“Yeah. I love you baby. It’s going to be alright in the end.” Taehyung gently speaks, and Jungkook hangs up. He won’t go to school today, and he gets up, going to the kitchen and finding something eatable. He isn’t hungry anyway, but he knows his body needs food. He takes his medicines as he’s expected to do, lazily roaming his eyes over the package leaflet. It works as it should, his anxiety and depression are much more bearable when he takes it. He wonders if that would have the same effect on Yoongi; probably he would need something stronger, but his brother won’t agree on seeing a doctor.

Jungkook spends all day packing; he makes sure to iron his clothes and put them in his suitcase, being as tidy as he always is. He smiles as he sees his teddy bear, a present from Yoongi, and he still sleeps with it. It calms him down, he thinks, and he puts it along with his belongings. Slowly, Jungkook empties his room, and it feels somehow wrong. He tries to ignore the sharp stab in his chest as he closes his suitcase, reaching for his backpack.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Shit, Yoongi shouldn’t be here. He’s never at home before seven, and it’s five. Jungkook was planing on doing a fancy dinner, something nice for both of them, but it’s all ruined now. He bites his lips and turns around, looking at his brother. He can swear there’s a mix of deception, betrayal and pain in his eyes, and Jungkook can’t handle gaze at him. Yoongi steps closer, his breath is heavy and for the first time in a while, he doesn’t smell like vodka.

“What are you doing?!” Yoongi raises his voice, making Jungkook look at him and the younger boy's eyes are tearful. He had planned everything with Taehyung and it seemed so much easier than now; the weight of reality is smashing his heart, making difficult to breathe, and he bites his lips harder. Yoongi moves his hands to his shoulder, slightly shaking him, and he can see that he’s on the verge of tears. “Answer me.” He mutters, his tone rather broken than demanding.

“Hyung, I…” He starts, but it’s so difficult. Yoongi is still gazing at his eyes, as if he’s trying to get the answer by himself, though he doesn’t push him to speak. He knows something is wrong since last night, and Yoongi wants to know exactly what is happening. “Hyung… it’s so hard…”

“Why are you packing up?” He finally asks as Jungkook can’t even finish a sentence, and Yoongi realizes that he won’t like the answer. He’s afraid to hear it, he wishes he could just pull Jungkook closer and make him stay with him for all the eternity, that he would never leave. He knew that someday, this would happen, but he didn’t think that it would be so fast.

“I-I can’t simply stand still and watch what you’re doing to yourself.” Jungkook mutters, moving his hands to his cheeks and wiping his dried tears. He sniffles, looking at him and he seems he’s calmed down enough to talk. “I talked to Taehyung, he knows how I’ve been suffering every time I come home and you’re drinking, all the nights you disappear and I have to ask Hoseok to pick you up because you can’t even walk by yourself.”

It’s selfish, Yoongi knows, but he won’t admit it to him. He never thought that Jungkook could actually be tormented by his addiction, because it’s not his fucking liver that is being ruined, it’s Yoongi’s. Nevertheless, it’s Jungkook who has to take care of him when he’s throwing up, when he’s so hungover he can’t eat anything. Of course he won’t say it, though.

“Hyung.” Jungkook continues, reaching for his hand and holding it tight. “I want the best for you. I love you so much. You know that, right?” Yoongi wants to stay quiet, but it would be really mean of him and he nods instead. “I… I am staying at Tae’s house for a while. And you… you are going to rehab to treat yourself.”

Suddenly, Jungkook’s touch becomes too much for him to bear and Yoongi pulls his hand away, as though his skin was burnt by Jungkook’s grip. He feels certainly betrayed, he’s been taking care of Jungkook for so long and that’s how he thanks him: sending him to a fucking rehab and moving into his boyfriend’s house.

“What?” He hisses, hurt.

“I-It’s the best, hyung.” Jungkook reaches for his hand again and he whines silently when Yoongi pulls away. “Please, listen to me. You took care of me, now you have to take care of yourself, you–”

“You don’t need me anymore.” It’s more a statement than a question, and Jungkook’s next words are nothing but mere sound for him. The world is spinning and he feels dizzy, smashed by the heavy weight of reality, of what Jungkook is implying. He has Taehyung, who can take care of him, and Yoongi is disposable now. He feels himself falling and he can hear Jungkook calling his name. He looks at him, swallowing and he nods. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Jungkook mumbles, a bit confused.

“Okay. When should I go?”

“T-tomorrow. They will come pick you.” He answers and Yoongi just nods. He isn’t needed anymore, that’s all that matters. He approaches Jungkook, pulling him into a tight hug, holding him for the last time, feeling his perfume, and smiling as he realizes Jungkook grew up beautifully. He moves away, kissing his cheek.

“I’m going to see Hoseok. Don’t wait for me awake.” Yoongi says and turns around, walking away. Each step takes a lot of effort, he ignores Jungkook calling him as he enters his old, cheap car, and he drives. He turns his phone off and he’s not going to see his friend as he said he would.

Yoongi feels oddly calm as he parks his car close to the river, and he sits down on the grass, watching the water. He can see the fishes, swimming fast as if they have something to do, and he laughs. He opens the bottle he brought with him and sips from it, he doesn’t even know what he is drinking anymore.

Jungkook wants to take away the only thing that calms him down; he wonders how Jungkook would be if he couldn’t dance anymore. It frustrates him, how his brother is pushing him away, sending him to a place away from him, away from everyone. He won’t accept that, though. Yoongi promised he would take care of Jungkook until he needs him, and it’s obvious he’s already found someone else to do that. Taehyung is a better person, indeed. Jungkook says he’s always smiling, that he calls him every night, that he kisses his sadness away. Yoongi is nothing but darkness, a flame which is slowly dying, dragging everyone he touches with him.

“Fuck.” Yoongi curses, emptying the bottle and he gets up, going back to his car and opening the trunk. He smirks when he sees the last bottle he hid from Jungkook and he sits on the hood, drinking it as he watches the sky. The sun is setting and the sky seems like it’s bleeding; orange shades overlap the gray clouds, contrasting the brightness from a few minutes ago. It’s beautiful, Yoongi concludes, how the pureness of the day is soon replaced by the obscurity of the night. Just like him and Jungkook, who are completely opposites to each other.

The wind is howling loud, hitting the bare skin of his arms and Yoongi rubs them, in a faint attempt of warming them up. Guilt eats his heart alive, anger makes his stomach feel sick and betrayal brings tears to his eyes. He’s laughing bitterly as he drinks, cursing in silence because he doesn't have any cigarette, and he doesn’t care if the tears are staining his cheeks. No one sees him right now, except for the accusing breeze who keeps whispering that he isn’t needed anymore.

Staggering, he gets up, throwing the empty bottle away, ignoring how dizzy he is, how sick he is. He’s driven drunk before, and he enters the car, turning it on. Yoongi notices he’s going fast because the trees are nothing but a mere blur, his head is aching and the tears keep falling. A tiny voice tells him that he should stop before it’s too late, before he crashes the car and kills himself in the process. However, Jungkook doesn’t need him anymore, so why does he keep living? What is t–

A dry bang stops him and he realizes what he’s done. He opens the door, but he can’t get closer because only the sight hurts him. “Shit.” He mutters, and he is trembling. There’s blood on the ground, and even though he can see that the person is still alive, it terrifies him. He’s hit someone. He fucking hit someone and he might have killed them. Yoongi knows that he will be put in jail if the police discovers what he’s done and as the coward he is, he enters the car again, driving away.

This time, he’s driving to a destination: Hoseok’s house. He does his best to get there without hitting anyone, and he feels terribly awful. He considers himself a murder by now, he managed to fuck someone else’s life within a second, and he wasted his chance to help when he ran away. He parks the car, dragging himself to the door, knocking on it and trying not to pass out already. Hoseok opens it and looks at him and he seems frightened just by looking at him.

“Shit, you’re deadly white.” He mutters, pulling Yoongi inside and locking the door. He peers at Jimin who’s calmly sleeping in their bed and he makes Yoongi sit down on the couch as he searches for any visible wounds. “Jungkook has been searching for you all afternoon. He was so worried, Yoongi, what were you thinking of?”

“I… he’s probably told you already.” Yoongi answers, moving his hands to his hair and gripping it, pulling it painfully. “My head hurts so much!” He whimpers loud, annoyed with everything. He’s trembling and he starts scratching himself as he does when he’s distressed. Red lines stain his pale skin as he does that, and Hoseok holds his wrists tight, looking at him.

“What happened to you?” Hoseok whispers, watching as Yoongi keeps crying, though there are no tears left for him to shed.

“Please… make it stop.” Yoongi whines pitifully, and even though Hoseok knows he’s drunk, he gets up and takes a medicine to make him sleep. He hands him a glass with water and the pill and Yoongi eagerly takes it, sobbing.

“Shh it’s going to stop.” Hoseok says, helping him to lay down on the couch and he strokes his hair absently, watching him. He already knew about Jungkook’s idea and he completely agreed with him; however, he didn’t think Yoongi would react that badly. It hurts him, to see how low Yoongi has gone, how broken he is, and he wishes he could make him heal.

But he can’t, so Hoseok gets up, going back to bed and cuddling with Jimin until he falls asleep.

Living Doll (2/2)

Title: Living Doll
Pairing: Chanyeol x Baekhyun
Warnings: Angst, mentions of death
Rating: NC-17 (even though the fanfic doesn't contain explicit sex, I rated like this because of its distubing themes)
Final Word’s Count: ~4300
Summary: A doll shouldn't be able to dream. A doll shouldn't be able to think.
A doll shouldn't be able to feel.
And yet, Baekhyun falls in love with Chanyeol day after day.

[Living Doll]

It’s a raining day when Jongin comes in and Chanyeol decides to hide him, just as if he was a filthy secret. That hurts him, making him feel disposable and replaceable, as if he’s really just a doll. He’s back to the box and Chanyeol says he’s sorry, but that soon enough he will be back to the bed, where he belongs to.

When they enter into the room, Baekhyun can see them through a crack in the wardrobe. They are sitting on the bed, Jongin has one of his hands around Chanyeol’s shoulder, slightly rubbing it, massaging his muscles.

It’s the first time Baekhyun feels jealous.

He feels jealous because Jongin can do all he wished he could do. Because Jongin hugs him as Chanyeol suddenly starts crying, stroking his back soothingly, telling him to search for help. Baekhyun knows that, if he could shed tears, he surely would, and he feels so angry at Jongin because he’s too close of Chanyeol. ‘My smiles are everything he needs to feel better. I want Chanyeollie to be happy, but I am the one who should make him feel like this.’ , Baekhyun thinks, and he hates so much being made of plastic.

“You have to move on, Chanyeol.” he hears Jongin talking, his eyes roaming over the room, as if he’s searching for something. “That… that thing isn’t good for you, you know that.”

“Thing?” Chanyeol mutters, pulling away a little and he gets up, looking at him, and Baekhyun can see the hurt, the anger in his eyes. “He’s not a thing! He is Baekhyun, he…”

“He isn’t Baekhyun and he won’t never be!” Jongin practically screams, making Chanyeol stop talking. They both are panting, and Jongin’s eyes are tearful as well. Carefully, the brown haired man gets up, his hands holding onto Chanyeol’s, slightly rubbing the skin, trying to calm him down. He takes a time before saying anything, as if he’s calculating his next words. “I understand how you are feeling, I surely do. But you have to move on, mm? I’ll be here with you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

Why is that boy saying those things to Chanyeol? Baekhyun can’t stop asking himself that, a storm of thoughts blowing through his mind, and he doesn’t remember anything that happened after that. Instead, he falls asleep, listening to Chanyeol’s sobs – lately, it has been his background noises in the night.

This time, he doesn’t dream about watching the stars on the hills. Perhaps due to the scene he’s just watched, tonight he dreams about having a fight with Chanyeol. Baekhyun wonders why they would argue like this, cursing at each other, until he realizes there’s something wrong with him. He feels seriously tipsy, and even though he’s sitting on the car seat, he feels like he could fall down at any moment.

“You’re not fucking seventeen anymore for me to pick you up because you got drunk!” He hears Chanyeol scolding him. It’s really dark outside, the trees are nothing but a mere blur at the speed they are going.

“And you aren’t my parents to scream at me like this!” Baekhyun says, he’s so drunk he forgot about using a seat belt, and Chanyeol is so mad he didn’t remind him about the necessity of it.

“No, I’m not, but I have all the right. Do you know what could have happened to you, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol growls, turning his head to face him, when he should be paying attention to the steering wheel. “You’re young and pretty, you–”

But Chanyeol never completed his sentence. The loud noise of metal being smashed is louder than his voice, and the glass breaks as they hit onto a truck. It seems like a nightmare, waking up in the street, covered in your own blood, feeling as if all your bones are broken. He knows the end is coming, everything he wants now is to be able to see Chanyeol’s face one last time. Baekhyun tries to fight against the sleep, against the blackness that is surrounding him, but Chanyeol is taking too long…

And then he wakes up, back to their house. He tries to speak, but his muscles doesn’t obey him, because he’s made of plastic. His last dream was so real that he still can feel the pain, still can feel his skin being cut, still can feel himself dying. It scares him a bit, in fact.

Baekhyun is sitting on the bed, back to the usual scenario of his life. Chanyeol enters the room: his hair is messy, he looks like he hadn’t slept for days, his eyes are dim. Baekhyun wonders for how long he’s been sleeping, because he wouldn’t let Chanyeol become this. He would smile to him and let him hug him tight to make him feel better. The tv is turned on in the news channel, and that’s something that never happens. Chanyeol only lets him watch movies and cartoons.

They watch it in silence, Chanyeol makes Baekhyun lay his head on his shoulder, softly running his fingers through his hair. There’s an odd familiarity in the air, the fact that they are watching tv together, not even exchanging any word.

“‘The polemic surrounding the Living Dolls is near to its solution. After being persuaded by thousands of people, Do Kyungsoo has decided to close the fabric down. Old dolls won’t need to be returned to its maker, but it’s highly recommend their owners to do so. If you don’t remember the story and its controversial, please keep watching it” The girl on the Tv says.

“Everyone is saying that I should get rid of you.” Chanyeol mutters, his voice is shaky and hesitant, and he turns a little so he can face Baekhyun.

The Living Dolls were created two years ago, after creating new animals based on dead animal’s DNA was possible. Having a new pet with the same physiology of your past one it’s an attractive idea, and that led to the expansion to the human race. Until the present moment, it’s impossible to create another human being, but the evolution of technology allowed the creation of almost human dolls. Even though they started as an upgrade of the sex dolls, soon their purpose became being a memory of the beloved ones”

“I don’t want to.” Chanyeol continues and he turns the TV off. He holds Baekhyun’s hand, looking at his eyes. “I know I have to, but... Baekhyun… I know you are in there, somewhere. Can you listen to me?”

‘Yes, baby, I can listen to you.’ he wants to answer, but he can’t. It looks like a curse, being trapped inside a plastic body, not being able to speak anything, to do anything but stand still and smile.

“Do you remember about me, right? We met at a stupid party and you was drunk, and I found you alone in the bathroom, throwing up. Everyone had left and I had to take you home, listening to you whining because you wanted to drink more.” Chanyeol smiles at the memory, his fingers gently rub the back of his hand, drawing invisible circles on it. “Your dad was mad at you and I had to lie that I was your friend so you wouldn’t be scolded… I slept on your bed in that day because your mom thought we were best friends. Do you remember?”

And finally, Baekhyun remembers. He remembers that, in the next day, Chanyeol kept by his side when his parents went to work, and he made sure to take care of his hangover. Baekhyun didn’t see him until the next week, when they went to another college party. It took a while before they started to date, but when they did, they knew they were madly in love with each other.

‘I remember now, Chanyeollie. I remember how you used to tell me stories before going to bed, how you liked to make me smile, how we loved to sing together.’ He thinks, though it’s useless. His thoughts won’t reach Chanyeol, he won’t ever know that he actually listens to him, that even though his body is made of plastic, his mind and his heart are still there.

“I wished you hadn’t known me, Baekhyun. I wished I could have let someone else find you in that party. If I had never brought you home, then you still would be here. You would have been the painter you were studying to be… It’s my fault.” Baekhyun is used to Chanyeol’s tears, so when he sheds them this time it doesn’t hurt that much. “I shouldn’t have screamed at you in that night. I wasn’t paying attention to the road… I wasn’t paying attention to you, for God sake. If you were using the seat belt, then maybe you would be alive… but I was too stupid to look at you.”

It wasn’t your fault, you had asked me to not go to that party. We used to drink only together, but I decided to drink all by myself in that night.’Baekhyun wants to say, but he smiles instead. He always smiles.

“I was desperate when you died… And when I saw that announcement on Tv, I thought it would be a good idea. It worked in the beginning, having a doll that was just like you are, so I wouldn’t be so alone. But it got worse, baby, because you can’t answer me, and I keep talking alone, and… Jongin says I’m going crazy. Everyone says that, actually… do you think I’m insane, baby?”

‘No, I think you aren’t-’

“Jongin convinced me to get help, because I’m fucking crazy.” Chanyeol says, and he isn’t crying anymore. There’s an ironic, defeated smirk on his lips, and he’s never seen him like this. Maybe he really has gone crazy. It makes sense, after all. Who wouldn’t lose their mind whilst spending their days trapped in a small house, talking to a doll that is identical to the love of your life? Mostly when this person is Chanyeol, the man who has been blaming himself for Baekhyun’s death. Everything makes sense right now. Chanyeol never stops saying how sorry he is; it’s almost as if the doll is a second chance for him to apologize. “That means that I won’t see you again.”

If Baekhyun had a beating heart, it would surely have stopped right now. He’s fallen in love with the pretty boy with the pink lips, and it’s so unfair that he has to smile right now when all he wants to do is to hug him and ask him not to leave.

“Baekhyun… I’m sorry for doing that to you. I really hope I was just crazy and you aren’t there.” He whispers, moving closer and looking directly at his eyes. “Can you do something for me? Could you please wait for me? When I die, I want to be by your side.”

‘I don’t know if I can, baby… I’m a doll now. I’m neither dead, neither alive.’

“I don’t want to kill you again… but Jongin says it’s the best thing to do. I’m going to send you back to the maker and he will be sure to put you back to sleep.” Chanyeol speaks, and it’s obvious he feels guilty. Baekhyun wonders how he can sleep feeling that guilty all the time. “I’m sorry, Baekhyun. I’m really, really sorry. I have to go now, Jongin is waiting for me downstairs.”

It’s difficult to decide what to feel, in such a moment when Baekhyun doesn’t want Chanyeol to go away, but at the same time he wants him to be happy. And even though he wants to keep living with Chanyeol, he doesn’t want to live like this. He couldn’t live like this, not after remembering everything that happened.

The hasty, warm breath hits Baekhyun’s face, and he feels soft lips being pressed against his. They are damp because of his tears, but he likes the feeling; he savours it, enjoying the few seconds it lasts. When he pulls away, Baekhyun feels empty, even though he’s made of air and he already is vacant.

“I love you, Byun Baekhyun.” Chanyeol speaks before going away, and he makes sure he won’t look back, because if he does, he will remain trapped in that house, in the memories of a life he’s once had.

It’s so fucking unfair that he’s smiling when Chanyeol leaves, when he’s put into the box to be sent back to the fabric, when he wants to say that I love you too, so much.

But Baekhyun is a doll. Dolls can’t speak; they can only smile.

Therefore, Baekhyun smiles.

Living Doll

Title: Living Doll
Pairing: Chanyeol x Baekhyun
Warnings: Angst, mentions of death
Rating: NC-17 (even though the fanfic doesn't contain explicit sex, I rated like this because of its distubing themes)
Final Word’s Count: ~4300
Summary: A doll shouldn't be able to dream. A doll shouldn't be able to think.
A doll shouldn't be able to feel.
And yet, Baekhyun falls in love with Chanyeol day after day.

[Living Doll]

“I am Park Chanyeol. I’m going to take care of you from now on.”

The soft, though wobbly voice is enough to make Baekhyun wake from his sleep, and at first the brightness hurt his brown eyes, but he can’t blink neither try to close them. He can’t even try to avoid it, he can’t run away from its glaring light since he can’t move. It takes him a few seconds until he realizes that he can’t breathe either, that he is motionless as a dead body, although he doesn’t feel like death has reached him yet.

When the sun’s clarity isn’t affecting his sight anymore, he manages to catch a glimpse of the voice’s owner. He has dark brown hair and his eyes are the same color, and he can see that he’s smiling. Baekhyun assumes that himself is smiling as well, because Chanyeol seems really pleased with his expressions. The first thing he notices is that the boy has the prettiest face he’s ever seen, – though he’s never seen anyone besides him – and he likes how his lips are not too small, neither too big, and he wonders if Chanyeol sees that he’s staring at them because he starts laughing and God, his laughter is so pure, so comfortable to hear–

“You have the most beautiful eyes, Baekhyun.” He speaks, and Baekhyun is surely mesmerized by the way his mouth moves, the way he licks his pink lips as he keeps smiling widely at him.

Hearing his own name in someone else’s mouth feels quite odd, though he thinks it’s okay because it’s the pretty boy with the rosy lips who’s saying it. Baekhyun is really confused right now, and he knows that he should be afraid of being conscious and not being able to make his muscles work, albeit Chanyeol’s voice makes him forget all that.

“You must like my lips, don’t you? You seem to keep staring at them…” Chanyeol mutters, and for a moment he thinks he’s getting scolded, and immediately he looks away: if he could blush, his cheeks would certainly be in a bright red right now. However, the boy doesn’t stop smiling, not even for a second, and Baekhyun wonders what got him that happy. The mere thought that maybe he was the one who got him like that passes through his mind, but he quickly erases it. “Let’s go, Baekhyun, I bet you’re tired.”

And when Chanyeol carefully places him in his arms, carrying him to the bedroom, Baekhyun sees a giant box thrown in the middle of the hall. It’s big enough to fit someone of his size inside, and he squeezes his eyes, trying to read what’s written on the front.

“You are now the proud owner of a Living Doll. Baekhyun is its name.”

A… doll? This word seems to be stuck in his brain, repeating itself several times, and it doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t make sense at all. How can he be a doll and still be able to think and to see? But, according to the box, he’s a living doll.

And as a living doll, all Baekhyun can do as Chanyeol places him on the bed is smile, sitting motionless as it’s expected of him.


Time is a complex concept for Baekhyun, mostly when he passes his days laying down, looking at the musty wall and wondering how someone beautiful as Chanyeol can spend his life in a place like this. He’s pretty sure he’s memorized every crack of the ceiling, since it’s his hobby to count them. There’s nothing for him to do when his ‘owner’ is working except analyzing every detail of the melancholic room.

The nights are his favorite parts, because Chanyeol comes back, and he always speaks with a smooth voice, always smiling at him. Baekhyun soon learns that Chanyeol likes singing, and he often sings for him to sleep – though he never does, he just pretends to make the boy happy.

“I had a tough day at work, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol says as he sits on the bed, holding his unnaturally soft hand, turning the TV on cause he seems to like having a background noise. “I’m glad I’m back. What did you do today?”

‘I watched how your house is a mess. I also noticed the ripped picture in the frame… why are you alone in there? What’s the missing half?’ he wants to answer, but all he does is smile. He always smiles.

“You must have had fun, mm?” Chanyeol speaks, gently squeezing his hand. Baekhyun likes his touches, he likes how warm his skin is, he likes how he is friendly with him. “And you must be tired, aren’t you? I’m tired too. Do you want me to tell you a story?”

Of course, there’s no vocal answer, but Baekhyun tries to tell him that yes, he wants. He loves when Chanyeol tells him stories, when he tells him tales about forgotten kingdoms and princesses. Sometimes, Baekhyun compares himself to the sleeping beauty, and he wonders if a kiss from Chanyeol would make him wake up.

Soon enough Baekhyun learns that a kiss didn’t change anything. In fact, it did; it made things worse.

It’s a cold afternoon as they are watching another movie together, but in that special day Chanyeol seems to be more lonely than usual. He’s too clingy, holding Baekhyun’s hand and leaning on his shoulder. Baekhyun likes it, he likes to be useful for him, since he uses to think of himself as a worthless thing, something that can’t do anything besides listening to his owner and smile as he talks about everything and anything. At least, when he’s cuddling with Chanyeol, he can help him feel better.

For sure Baekhyun wasn’t expecting that, when the movie ended, Chanyeol would turn to his side and stare at his him. He couldn’t imagine that he would shut his eyes and move closer, gently cupping his face, caressing his slightly reddish cheeks, and that he would press his lips against his, kissing him softly. Baekhyun can’t close his eyes, and he wished he could, because maybe, just maybe, the magic would have worked, and he could wake up from the spell, just like Sleeping Beauty did.

But he’s still a doll when Chanyeol pulls away. The only difference is that he’s a doll who has fallen in love with his human owner.

Baekhyun knows he shouldn’t. He knows it’s awfully wrong, that it’s painfully impossible, but he can’t help it. Not when Chanyeol starts kissing him more often, starts calling him baby , and Baekhyun is more than happy in being his baby, his love.

Instead of spending his days counting the cracks on the ceiling, Baekhyun observes the details of the room. There’s definitely a change in the way Chanyeol makes the bed, and he can see that the place is slightly tidier than it used to be. The ripped photo is still there, but one day Chanyeol decides to paint the dirty walls, so it will lighten up the area where Baekhyun lives. It’s their room, as Chanyeol uses to say, and that’s why it has to be pretty.


“I’m not feeling very well, baby.” Chanyeol says one day when he’s back from work, and Baekhyun can see it on his eyes. It pains him so much, it makes his heart – if he even has one – sting, because he can’t kiss him and tell him it’s going to be alright. “But your smile will make me feel better, right? Your smile is what makes me keep going, you know that, don’t you?”

It’s the first time Baekhyun is actually glad that he can’t stop smiling. He needs to make Chanyeol feel better, and he tries as hard as he can to look like he’s really happy, wanting to cheer him up.

And Baekhyun is surely confused when Chanyeol starts crying instead. The glistening tears are rolling along his pale cheeks, painful sobs escaping from his pink lips, and he hides his face with his hands, as if Baekhyun can’t see him.

‘Why are you crying? I’m smiling for you, baby.’

Without hesitating, Chanyeol throws himself on Baekhyun’s arms, hugging him and sobbing on his shoulders. Baekhyun wonders what got him that sad, and he just wished he could do something, that he could hug him back, that he could whisper to him that he shouldn’t be crying like that, because he is so much prettier when he is smiling.

But he is a doll, and all he can do is sit and smile, sit and stare as Chanyeol desperately clings to him, sit and listen to him saying he’s so fucking sorry.


“Jongin says I should go look for help.” Chanyeol speaks, and he’s staring at Baekhyun. His eyes aren’t as sparkling as they used to be, there are dark circles under them, and he knows the boy isn’t sleeping well. “I shouldn’t listen to him. I have everything I need right here.”

On that night, Chanyeol doesn’t tell him a story before going to bed. He is too busy crying whilst reading an old journal, and Baekhyun can swear he hears him whispering his name.

In one of the stories Chanyeol told him, there was a girl who had to wear a mask in order to survive. Baekhyun can see that Chanyeol was wearing one when they first met, because he isn’t that smiling boy he thought he was. His eyes are often tearful, mostly when he stares at him, or when he talks to him; Baekhyun assumes it’s because he can’t answer. It’s surely saddening as Chanyeol spends his days speaking with a doll, and his voice is the only noise that fills the small room.

“Sleep well, baby.” Chanyeol always says; Baekhyun wanted he could wish him the same. “Have sweet dreams.” Most of the time, Baekhyun thinks Chanyeol is being silly in saying those things, since he’s a doll and he surely can’t dream.

However, after Chanyeol sleeps with his face tear-stained, Baekhyun dreams.

The grass feels smooth under their bare feet, and they are both laying on a hill, watching the stars. It’s something they used to love doing together, and their fingers are linked as they are holding hands. Baekhyun is laying his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder, feeling how sweet his smell is, and he surely adores his perfume. He likes hearing him talking about the constellations, pointing to the sky and trying to make him see the Orion, when he sees nothing but a bunch of sparkling dots.

“You really aren’t normal, Chanyeollie.” Baekhyun speaks, peering at him. When Chanyeol asks why, he simply shrugs and smiles. “Normal people don’t know all the constellation names.”

“Will you mock me when I find a new constellation and name it as Baekhyun?”

“That’s a stupid name for a constellation!” He laughs, moving a little away so he can sit down. “You can give my name to a star, though. That would be romantic.”

“Mmm.” Chanyeol hums, sitting down too and cupping his face, stroking his soft skin. “That will do. I will find a star and give your name to it.”

“Oh God. You’re surely a dork.” He says, giggling. “I was joking! You can’t even name a star, you idiot.”

“Of course I can.” Chanyeol answers, stealing a kiss from him. “You’re my star, Baekhyun.”

When Baekhyun wakes up, he still is a doll. But the dream felt too real, too meaningful, and when he looks at Chanyeol he knows there’s something that he’s hiding. There must be a reason for why he lives in that complete mess, for why he doesn’t listen to his friends anymore, for why he cries some nights whilst sobbing that he’s sorry. Why would someone as pretty as Chanyeol be so unhappy? Sometimes he looks like he’s the motionless one, the dying one, and he does look more and more with a doll. Chanyeol’s skin is white because of the lack of sun, so pale that it seems like he’s made of porcelain.

Nevertheless, Chanyeol is still alive; Baekhyun can feel it as they lay down together, his warmth makes Baekhyun feel like he’s burning. The box where his name is written is a constant reminder that, even though he can think and feel, he will never be alive as Chanyeol is. He will never be able to speak, neither to answer to Chanyeol’s questions, not even to say to him that yes, I had a great day, how about you? At least he can dream, and in those dreams he always talks to Chanyeol, he always answers to his kisses, feeling the smooth lips against his own as they watch the sunset together.

“Look, baby. That’s Orion, can you see its belt?” Chanyeol mutters as he’s reading a book about astronomy. But this time he isn’t dreaming; he isn’t dreaming even though the following speech is incredibly similar to his dreams. “This is the brightest star… if I could name it, it would be called Baekhyun.”

‘That’s a stupid name’ , Baekhyun wants to say, but all he does is smile, again.


Broken Freedom

Title: Broken Freedom
Pairing: Kai x Taemin
Warnings: Mentions of Self-Harm, Drugs, Depression, Prostitution, Suicide, Death
Rating: NC-17
Summary: No matter how hard Kai tried, he couldn’t save Taemin. It was like he was drowning more and more and there was no escape for him.
Even though, he still can sleep every night with his heart slowly breaking.

[Broken Freedom]

Kai opened one eye, gazing at Taemin who was still sleeping beside him; he was tangled on his arms, his face buried on Kai's chest, his hands resting on his waist. He could feel the soft perfume of his hair and he kissed it, gently rubbing his back, sighing. It was still raining outside, the sound of the raindrops hitting the window made him wake, but it seemed like that didn't bother Taemin at all. It got colder too and they were only covered by a thin sheet, so Kai rose up carefully, placing Taemin's head on the pillow, putting his boxers and his pants on. He took a blanket, covering Taemin with that. The blond purred with that, nuzzling on the bed and opening one eye, peering at Kai.

“Baby come back to bed~” He asked, yawning, and Kai only nodded, knowing that he would sleep within seconds. When he did, Kai sat on the bed, glancing at the empty room. He sighed, supporting his head on his hands, ruffling his own hair, leaning his back on the headboard. They were screwed because the gang's leader would go after them and he wouldn't be happy after finding out that his son was dead. Of course it was Taemin's fault but Kai would assume that it was his since he didn't control him as he planned to. He didn't know when things got out of his hands but now he had to face the consequences and find a way of getting out alive. He gazed at the sleepy body beside him, seeing how he seemed to be so relaxed, almost on peace, and Kai asked himself how much time he would be like this. Taemin was a time bomb, sometimes he could look as he was calm and fine and a few days later he would simply explode, being self destructive or discounting his sorrows on other people. Or maybe he was like that because he finally got the revenge he wanted so much... anyway, Kai only watched him as he was breathing smoothly, his eyebrows slightly arching as he was dreaming, pursing his lips.

The scars were all over his body and Kai knew they were always there and they would always be, it made part of Taemin's self, of his history. Certainly the blond rather preferred to not have them, to have a 'nice skin' as Kai as he used to say, but Kai loved and hated each one of them because they were a piece of Taemin, they all carried a story behind. Kai closed his eyes, tilting his head back and cursing in silence because God, how he wanted to smoke now. But he had made a promise and he wouldn't break it, even though he may die on the next current hours he still wanted to keep it.

He let his fingers run along Taemin's hair, sighing and closing his eyes. He could remember vaguely how they first met. It wasn't the days where Kai was proud of himself, actually even now he didn't like what he did but his life led him to this; his whole family was from a gang and they raised him to be a leader. When he was a child he used to tell himself that he would get away and get a girlfriend and have pretty children, but once he became a teenager he noticed that this wouldn't happen. He was already buried too deeply on this, if he tried to run away he would be killed and that's when he given up, letting the events led his life.

It was a rainy Thursday, it made a month since all his family (his father and his uncle) had died because of a gang's battle and he had become the leader. As a twenty years boy he wasn't prepared for that and he had no coming back. They let him mourn for about a week and then all the members were already knocking on his door, filling his head with threats if he didn't assume his place. Of course Kai did what they asked for because he was too fucking young to die. On that Thursday he had drunk more that he wished and that's when he decided to have a whore.

Kai wasn't a virgin but he never was fond to prostitution, he usually would find someone as a normal teenager, however on that Thursday he walked to the brothel where the members of his gang used to go. The place's owner recognized him and said that he was happy on having him there and that he would bring him his best girl. Kai only gazed at him, clicking his tongue. “A boy, give me a fucking boy.” The man seemed surprised by that but he nodded, telling Kai to wait on a room.

He was sitting on the bed, feeling somehow sober on that moment and that's when he looked up to the ceiling, seeing the cracks of the spackling paste. The walls were thick at least because he didn't want to hear at other people's moans but still he didn't like this place, now he was wondering why he had gone to there. But before he could think more the door was opened and he lowered his gaze from the ceiling to the person who was there, the owner beside him pushing him into the room and then closing the door, leaving them both alone.
Kai rose up, approaching the boy who seemed to not be afraid of him, though his lips were slightly shivering but Kai assumed that it was because of the cold. He had bleached his hair and Kai could say that it mad a long time since he done that because the black was appearing again, but he liked of how it looked on him. Kai held him by his chin, making him up his face so he could analyze it; he had pretty dark eyes, above them there was two tenuous dark circles and his skin was whiter than normal people, he was quite pale and his dark features matched perfectly with it. Maybe he would be prettier with his natural hair. His lips were thin and curved a little, making a perfect bow just as his eyebrows; he noticed a tiny cut on his chin and he wondered who made that to such a beautiful face.

“Your name?” Kai asked then, lowering his hand and gazing at his eyes because he couldn't stop staring at them.

“Taemin.” He said with a smooth voice, almost whispered voice and it seemed like he didn't have strength enough to speak louder. “You?”

“Kai.” He answered and instantly froze because that was too fucking weird for him. Suddenly he started to regret of the idea of getting a whore for that night and he was almost leaving till he felt Taemin's hand on his, he was smiling softly, humidifying his lips with his pink tongue.

“Nice to meet you, Kai.” And he started to walk to the bed, guiding him. It was his job and part of him actually wanted to do this because Kai was good looking and most of the men that slept with him wasn't like this, so Taemin thought that maybe he could have some fun.

Besides being drunk, Kai was now intoxicated by Taemin's presence and the last thing he remembered of that night was of how soft his lips were when he first touched it. Even when he wanted to remember how was it he couldn't but at least Taemin assured him that he had been too gentle with him.

After that, Kai decided to see him again, and in the next times he wasn't drunk. He could actually feel how Taemin was always sweet with him, how his touches were maddening and how his voice could be that sexy when he moaned. Even though he was a whore Kai loved to make him get his climax and would always lie a few minutes with him on bed, just to feel him softly breathing, his eyes closed and his cheek slightly ruddy, his lips curving in a almost invisible smirk.
And of course Kai noticed how many scars he had since the first time, but he didn't want to ask him because that would be rude. Slowly, he started to realize that he was thinking about that boy even when he was at home and that the only thing that rejoiced him was the fact that he could see Taemin whenever he wanted to. As the time passed their dates started to not be only sexual and he rather preferred to talk with him instead of only fucking him.

Taemin was sitting on the bed, he had dyed his hair of black since Kai said he would look prettier with it (and after Kai convinced the place's owner of letting Taemin do that) and before he could think properly Kai arrived, entering in the room. He gazed at him, quickly raising up and wrapping his arms against his neck, kissing him deeply. Then Taemin buried his face on his neck, hugging him tight. He peered at the door, noticing that Kai had closed it and the windows were closed too.

“Baby what's wrong?” Kai asked in a smooth voice, running his fingers along his hair, not having an answer for a whole minute. He knew that Taemin wasn't like that, he had noticed on their talkings that he was sassy and cocky, he knew that if he had power he would be manipulator as well, and even though he could be lovely and sweet he would never show up how scared he actually would be.

Taemin didn't know for sure if Kai was reliable but he was his only hope, he couldn't afford of continue his life like this because he was already broken and deep down he still wanted to be fixed. The worst that could happen was him getting killed but at this point he didn't care anymore. He heard Kai's soft voice and that's when he let his tears escape from his eyes, hugging him even tighter, trying to soften his heart, deceive him from all the pain and sorrow. He pursed his lips and then breathed out a few times till he stopped crying, finally releasing Kai from his grip. He wiped his tears before Kai could do it and then he held his hand, intertwining their fingers.

“Please take me out of here.” Taemin whispered, his voice was low as the first time they met and Kai could feel that there was something wrong. “Buy me, please, they will sell me if you pay them... I know it's a lot to ask and I'm just being silly, but... Kai...” He bit his lips before he could start to cry again and suddenly he regretted of asking him such a thing. He closed his eyes, getting ready for a slap that never came. Instead, Kai cupped his face, his thumb gently stroking his skin.

“I have a lot of money, don't worry. I have been thinking about this for a time, actually, and I think that they won't denial anything to me.” He said and Taemin's face slightly changed because he feared of Kai being somehow associated to those men. Well, if he was it would be even better because he would never be away from those bastard and he could have his revenge when it was time. Then he pulled his hand, guiding him to bed and sitting there, rubbing the boy's shoulder when he sat beside him. “Tae, I...”

“Kai, make love to me.” He whispered, cutting his words and kneeling on the bed, wrapping his hands around his neck. On this angle Kai could notice a bruise on his lips and that made him silently curse, he hated to see him hurt even though he already had so many scars. “I'm tired of sex.” He added and Kai smirked sadly, slightly, pulling him closer and pecking his lips softly, feeling the taste of Taemin's tears.

“I'll take you out of here.” Kai spoke smoothly though firmly, seeing the other nod, his tears were still mixing up between their kisses and then Kai moved away just to wipe them. Taemin wasn't the type who would simply cry about his destiny and that was the first time he saw him broke down. “I promise, Taemin.” Taemin only nodded again, snuffling and he kissed him, gently pulling his hair as he hugged him again.

“I'll be your whore, I'll do everything you say, I promise.” Taemin said; his body and his services were the only thing he could offer to the other one, he knew he heart already had been taken by him. He knew he was a gang's leader but actually he didn't care or fear him, that only turned him on because he could have power beside Kai and he could do everything that he had planned on his mind.

“Be my lover.” He whispered to him and then smiled to him before kissing him, darting his tongue and sweetly playing with Taemin's, his fingers caressing his cheek as the boy muttered a 'I will be' and a few 'I promise'. It was weird how needy Taemin was today and Kai knew he wasn't needy for sex but only for a gentle touch; Kai asked himself when was the last time he had that.

And they made love for the first time on that night, ending with Taemin lying on Kai's chest, his face hidden on the crook of his neck as Kai had his arms around him. He could hear the other boy softly sob, making him shiver at the icy tears that were wetting his skin. Kai kept running his fingers through his hair, just assuring him that he was there, because he knew that Taemin needed to cry. He had been holding it for so damn long.

“What happened to you Tae?” He whispered even though he knows that will make him cry harder and he holds his hand, kissing his wrist and the scars that are there. Obviously Kai had lived enough to know what those marks meant and he hated to see it in Taemin. 'How much pain a person must feel to drag a blade against their skin?' He thought and looked at Taemin's watery eyes.

There was pain, so much pain, but also an idle desire for power and revenge. That could be extremely useful, Kai thought, but it could be dangerous as well; Taemin could become an important part in his gang, he could lead it all along with him, and he just needed some training.

“My whole family... killed by those bastards.” He muttered in a tiny, squeaky voice, and then he held his both hands, squeezing them so hard that it hurt, but it hurt even more to remember their voices screaming and how he had only thirteen years when happened. Five years later and he still had nightmares every night, seeing his parents being killed right on front of him, the blood being spilt in his face as he tried to hug them and say goodbye. “And they forced me into this... Kai, I don't want to... I said I didn't...” He spoke but he ended up sobbing again. He never had told anyone about that and he really believed that he would be able to talk but he realized that no, the wound was deeper than he thought and remembering how many fucking times he was beaten and hurt just made all those feeling resurface and hit him stronger than ever.

Kai never had felt that powerless before, the only thing he could do was to stroke his back soothingly, whispering sweet nothings to him. He already could imagine that something terrible had happened to Taemin but he didn't think he would get to see him that frail in front of him.

Thinking about the past made him nostalgic, and Kai decided to get some water. Everything was a blur and he couldn't think right when he saw the empties rooms and his hands were shaking so hard that he barely managed to read the rushed note.

“Jongin? What's wrong?” Kai heard the voice and he usually would groan at the name, but now it was a different occasion. Taemin was looking at him with woken eyes and he sat on the bed, beside him. He held his hands, and Kai could see a tiny bruise on his chin. Guilty.

“We are really fucked up this time, Tae.” He answered, the rain falling outside and hitting their window hard. “Everyone abandoned us because I was mad for you and you were mad for me. They won't die for us.”

Taemin bit his lip hard, a single tear escaping from his eyes but none of them tried to wipe it. He seriously didn't think right when he killed the other gangs boss's son. In fact, he never thought that Kai was going to find him again and he didn't think about the consequences, how easily the members would link their death to Kai.

“They abandoned us?” He whispered, somehow skeptical about what he was saying.

“Yeah, I got up to get some water and realized the whole place is empty. They let a message saying that you've gone too far this time.”

Before Kai got out of their room, he didn't think that they would be escapeless. They were trapped as two rats and it was a matter of time before the members would discover how to break the door's lock. Remembering of their life only made Kai noticed how empty it was.

He killed for living, but in the end he never lived. He never knew what freedom was and he only had a bitter taste of love, because he could never understand Taemin completely. Sometimes he thought he hated him and they would spend a long time fighting and he would run away, but then they would notice how they couldn't be away from each other.

Worthless, that was the word. It hurt to realize that, with 23 years he was already a dead man.

Nevertheless, Taemin was already used to that idea. He couldn't count on his fingers how many times he tried to kill himself and how he almost manage to do it in that night on the roof. The death never sounded so peaceful for him.
He could stop suffering, there would be no need for drugs anymore, he wouldn't have to make himself bleed or to cry in pain when anything worked to let him numb. Kai wouldn't have to take care of his wounds or to make him scream when he gets shot and he had to make hurried stitches.

Kai didn't want to admit but he was really afraid, he could feel his heart beating faster as he heard the noise of cars approaching and he knew that they would manage to break the door soon. He didn't want the things to end this way.
“Fuck, Taemin. Damn it. I don't know what to do.” He breathed out, pulling him close and hugging him tight. So many things he wanted to say now, but he didn't have time for it.

Everyone knew that Taemin was a whore before and that he was now Kai's lover, so he could imagine the horrible things the other men would do to him. And when that thought hit Taemin, he started to violently shake, all the flashes of his memory hitting him, making him pull Kai's clothes and pull him closer, as if that could make him wake and see that everything was a nightmare that himself caused.

He could feel the pain of being beaten over and over again whenever he misbehaved, he could hear their screams asking him to stop fucking crying when he was being trained and remember how lonely he felt all that time.
He didn't want this again. He couldn't take this again.

Taemin took a long breath before moving away and looking at Kai's eyes, cupping his face and kissing him clumsily, deeply, and deep down they both knew it was their last kiss. They both knew what they should do.

He moved away, walking to their wardrobe and opening a little box that not even Kai knew about the existence. Inside he had locked all the temptations he had in his life.

He had his blades, a syringe for his drugs, a box of cigarettes and in two capsules. Kai looked at it and then glanced at Taemin, until the understanding came to him and he slightly nodded.

“It won't hurt.” Taemin whispered to him as he handed him one of the capsules and a cigarette because he knew how Kai loved to smoke.

“I won't break my promise baby.” He said back and let the cigarette fall on the floor. “How long it will take?”

“One minute till your heart stops beating.” He answered and pulled him to the bed so they could oddly get comfortable in that situation. Kai quickly nodded and took the capsule, holding it in his hand and he glanced at Taemin. Even three years later, he still could only see pain, though there was a twisted, faded love in there, and even a sparkle of happiness. There's that silent question in the air and Taemin is fast to catch it. “I always knew I would kill myself one day... but dying beside you would be so much peaceful. That's why I had two capsules.”

Those words make him sad because he had promised himself that he would fix Taemin, he would save him and that's why he had dropped all his addictions, why he stopped smoking and drinking. But he couldn't save him afterall.
How could a broken boy save another one?

With shaky hands, Kai led the capsule to his mouth and swallowed. He peered at the side to see Taemin do the same, and he hated how he seemed happy with it. He held his hands, hugging him close and lying on his chest.

“I'm sorry for everything. I'm so sorry.” Kai cried out, hugging him tight and he knew that there was no time. The front door was already broken, he could hear by the loud noise, and he could see that Taemin wasn't sobbing anymore. He was extremely, oddly calm.

“You made me happy, Jongin. Being with you...” He muttered, closing his eyes. “I love you, you sick bastard.”

“I love you more, you clumsy kid.” Kai whispered back, as they used to do. The tears stopped falling and within a minute, he could see how he couldn't feel Taemin's warm breath on his arm. That got him sobbing again and before he realized everything got black for him.

And for the first time, the two broken boys met freedom.

Tags: , , , ,

Broken Boys (2/2)

[Broken Boys]

Then he finally lowered his zipper and started to pull his pants down, but there was still his underwear and Kai didn't seem as he wanted to take it off right now. Taemin mewled when they broke the kiss and Kai pushed him against the bed, making him lay once more. Kai's lips were once more crawling over his silky skin, going down to his thighs as he licked them, biting it softly. He ripped out a moan from Taemin and that made him continue with the teasing, his tongue was so near of his crotch but he wouldn't touch it, not yet. Kai could see the bulge on his underwear and that made him laugh; he was already hard and he barely touched him.

Taemin's hands were buried on his hair once more and he was pulling him, trying to make him touch that place. But of course Kai only laughed and kept teasing him, watching how he was getting harder and harder, how his cheeks were getting ruddy, his breath was faster and the grip on his hair was tighter. Finally, he decided to not torture him more and let his tongue go up to his underwear, licking the tip of his covered member. That made Taemin moan louder, his hands firmly holding Kai where he was, and he closed his eyes as Kai kept teasing him.

And then Kai rose up, going to tease his neck again, letting him all hard. Taemin's complains were silenced by his lover's lips, who were touching him passionately. Taemin whimpered between their wet kiss, his hands now unbottoning Kai's pants, taking his belt out. Kai helped him on that, staying only with his boxers. He stared at his boyfriend's perfect body, letting his slender fingers run along his skin, feeling his muscles, noticing how soft he was, how he wanted to touch him more than anything.

“Do you like it that much?” Kai asked, seeing the other nod and lick his own lips. Kai laughed, intertwining their fingers as he pushed against the bed once more. “Good. You'll have it soon.” He whispered against his lips, mewling as Taemin bit his lower lip, sucking it hungrily. As they were kissing Kai let his hand go to the hem of his underwear, making Taemin sigh anxiously.

Taemin let his eyes fell shut after he felt Kai's lips on his thigh, licking them as he was taking his boxers out. Once his member was free he let a relieved mewl escape, he was already so hard and when Kai held it for the first time on that night he couldn't help but hold the sheets, knowing that Kai wasn't the type who gives you all you want. He would torture him, slowly torture him, that he was sure.

Kai's hands involved his cock, his thumb gently rubbing the tip, and he smirked, amazed with how he was already leaking precum. He was so sensitive there and Kai just kept rubbing it, seeing how the knuckles of his fist were getting white – that was his most sensitive point and that's why Kai kept touching it, just to see him moaning low, his breath getting faster.

Slowly he started to move his hand around his cock, stroking it, seeing how Taemin arched his back once more, panting and bit his lips. It was awesome to see him like this, surrendered to his touches.

“Jongin...” Taemin whispered in a husky voice, his hands were now on Kai's hair, petting it. “Please... I want it...”

“What? What do you want?” Kai asked, not caring that he was using his real name with him. He was the only one who could call him that, and he knew that he wouldn't say it before other people, Taemin respected his privacy.

“I want your lips, they are way too better than your hands.” Taemin mewled, making Kai laugh low.

“You spoiled kid, I told you I was going to punish you~” Kai answered, stopping with the teasing and softly held his member so he wouldn't come. He crawled his lips through his skin till he found his mouth, pulling his lower lip and kissing his cheek and ear. “But you can touch me, if you want.” He whispered, hearing the other man sigh. He was way too hard and soon he would come, so Kai needed to give him some time to recover. Kai himself was hard as well, the lewd moans from that naughty boy were driving him crazy and he couldn't wait to feel his touches.

Taemin smirked, suddenly pushing the other against the bed, staying above him. He didn't care he was naked and all exposed, actually he wanted Kai to see how hard he was, to make him know that this was his fault. He leaned on Kai's body, his soft lips going to his neck, starting to kiss him there. He took a piece of skin between his lips, sucking it and swirling his tongue around it, feeling Kai's fingers buried on his hair, petting it. He wanted to leave marks there so everyone would know what they did... Actually, everyone already knew that they were lovers since Kai wanted to make very clear who was Taemin's owner. No one on their gang would try to touch Taemin because this would be a treat to the boss and no person would like to confront Kai. Still, Taemin wanted everyone to know that he was a spoiled bitch and that even though he had ran away Kai would reward him. No matter what Taemin could do, Kai would never hurt him.

His fingers were pulling the hem of his underwear, taking it down. Taemin knew that teasing would lead him nowhere and he wanted to hear Kai moaning his name, as he usually used to do. He started to give soft kisses on his thigh, slowly going up till he reached his hard member. He held it with one hand as he darted his tongue, licking it. He didn't care that Kai hadn't suck him as he asked, he wanted to feel it against his mouth, to taste him.

“Oh Tae~” Kai moaned in a sexy voice, making Taemin's cock twitch. His voice was always too damn sexy but now, oh, now it was like he could cum just hearing him.

Taemin gave wet kisses on the tip of his member, letting his tongue swirl and suck it, noticing how Kai's breath became heavy. He opened his mouth, alowing his cock to slid against it, starting to bob his head as he felt Kai's grip on his hair become tight. Taemin loved to do this for him, to listen him moaning like that, calling his name as he was panting in pleasure.

A thick thread of saliva and precum was dripping from his mouth as he kept sucking him, seeing how his member became harder and bigger on his mouth. Kai's moans were keeping him going, he wanted to hear him calling his name louder...

But suddenly Kai pulled his hair, making him stop with that. Taemin gazed at him with a lewd smirk on his lips but an innocent look on his face, still holding his cock with one hand. Gosh, how Kai loved to see him like this, his messy hair, his wet and swollen lips, the way he was smiling...

“You will make me come if you don't stop.” Kai breathed out, still panting, and then he pulled him closer, kissing his throat, seeing the other sigh with that. “Now it's my turn.”

Kai pushed him against the bed, kissing his lips, not caring that he could actually feel his own taste on his mouth, and made him spread his legs, his hand running till he found his hard cock, slowly pumping it. He already could see him squirming on the bed, panting as he crawled his lips to his kneels, gently kissing as he adjusted his body in the mattress so Taemin would be comfortable.

Taemin was already anxious to feel him inside his body but he knew that he had to wait a little bit more, and he wouldn't complain of how Kai was being attentive and touching his member like that. Many guys would simply fuck him and wouldn't care about it; since the first time they had sex, Kai would always do everything to spare him from any pain he may felt. Even when he was just a whore and Kai was way too drunk to remember, he was all sweet with him.

Soon Taemin felt something wet on his entrance and he gazed at Kai, who was coating his fingers with lube once again. Kai kissed his kneel again, his free hand was slowly stroking his cock, enough to make Taemin mewl. He was very sensitive and that was driving him crazy, it was too good. Kai's slender fingers were pressing his entrance, seeing how the tight muscle seemed to swallow his index finger. He felt how hot the blonde man was inside and he kissed his lips, muffling his soft mewls.

Slowly, Kai started to thrust his finger against his tight walls, feeling the pressure smash him. Taemin kept kissing him, though he broke the kiss to moan. His eyes were shut and he was blushed; Kai found cute how Taemin would always be embarrassed on this part. He was okay on doing a blowjob and being fucked, but he would always flush as Kai was preparing him.

Kai pushed another finger, watching Taemin squirm softly, letting a low moan escape. Kai put more lube just to make things easy and started to thrust against his hole. His hand was still on his member, making him forget the pain.

And, to be honest, Taemin loved the pain as well. He loved how it hurt to be ripped out by his cock, how it hurt to be fucked hard, how in the other day the pain would make him remember. But Kai used to tell that he would never hurt him and Taemin respect that.

Then he finally felt the fingers sliding off his ass, and Kai kissed him once more before moving away, starting to touch his own member. He spread lube around it and put a little more on Taemin's entrance. Kai positioned his cock against his hole, slowly pushing it against it, seeing how the tight rings of his muscle were swallowing his member, smashing it.

“Oh fuck, you're always so tight.” Kai moaned in a husky voice, tilting his head back as he finished pushing himself against him, feeling the pressure of his walls. Then he held Taemin's hand, intertwining their fingers, leaning against his body so they could still kiss. “It hurts?”

Taemin smirked with that, he would always ask, being all sweet with him when he honestly wanted him to just fuck him. Well, of course it hurt, but Taemin was used to the pain and that was his favorite kind of pain.

“No, you already can move.” Taemin breathed out against his lips, using his free hand to pet his hair. Kai smirked before he gave him a deep, hungry kiss, starting to move slowly. It felt so warm and good that Kai loved how tight Taemin was. He got out of him just to enter again, feeling how that sent pleasurable waves along his body. Kai started to thrust his hips faster, catching the pace as he heard Taemin moaning lewdly; that only made him go faster, stroking his member as well. He was too hard and wet, precum was now dripping from his cock, and Kai loved to see how sexy he looked as they were making love.

Kai kept thrusting his hips against him, kissing his lips as they both were panting. Now he was just touching his forehead against his, breathing faster as he slammed him hard.

“Oh there~” Taemin moaned, clenching his muscles against his cock as he hit his prostate. Kai smirked, enjoying the moment to kiss him as he kept hitting him there. “Oh don't stop, please~!”

Kai answered his mewls doing as he asked, hitting him over and over as he started to stroke him faster. He could feel his climax coming and all he started to suck Taemin's neck, seeing how he wrapped his arms against his neck, his nails scratching his skin. His eyes were shut and he was moaning on his ear, moaning his name and making him go faster and deeper.

Kai moved a bit so he could kiss him again and suddenly Taemin's breath became faster, his muscles tensed up as he came with a loud moan, arching his back and pulling Kai's hair. He moaned his name, spreading his seed all over their stomach. His inner walls clenched, pressing Kai's member harder, and he started to move faster, tilting his head back and moaning Taemin's name as he came inside him, filling him.

Their breath were still irregular and Kai smirked against Taemin's lips, as they were two naughty kids. Then he kissed him smoothly, seeing how wet and swollen from their kiss his lips were. His member slid from his entrance and he laid beside him, pulling him closer. Taemin leaned on his chest, feeling his heart beats, and softly caressed his skin, making invisible circles with his fingers. Kai was petting his hair, playing with it as it was a kitty's fur, making Taemin really sleepy.

“I lied to you, I actually missed you, a lot.” He said randomly, glancing at the other man. “Even though sometimes I just wanted to run from you, from our twisted love, from my twisted life, I really missed you.”

Kai smirked, pulling his chin to peck his lips.

“I know you did. I missed you as well, I was really worried...” Then he sighed, kissing his hair. “But now they are all dead, right?”

“Yeah, I killed those bastards who ruined my life. Those who murdered my parents, who made me a whore, who made my life a hell.” Taemin answered in a low voice; it was their fault that he wasn't a normal child and now they were dead. “They should have killed me in the night they ended my family.”

“But if they did, we wouldn't met.” Kai whispered, his hand now was on his wrist, his fingers softly touching his cuts, going down to his hand and holding it. “Please promise you won't try to kill yourself.” He said, seeing Taemin nod. “And you won't drug yourself.” Another nod. That was way too easy.

And of course Kai knew he wouldn't fulfill those promises; afterall he was a broken boy. Taemin wouldn't heal himself just by having his revenge, the past would always follow him, and Kai was a ghost of that old Taemin. He could never forget that they only met because Kai wanted a whore and that he after they fucked he had sex with another three man. Sometimes he would have sex with a girl too and he liked because he could go top, but that wasn't very usual.

“Jongin...” Taemin purred softly, seeing the dark haired man glance at him, still smiling. “Are you still mad at me?” He asked, his fingers were now dangerously close to his nipples.

“Shh don't remind me that. I'll be mad tomorrow, when that bastard will go after us.” Kai answered, holding that hand who was trying to tease him and he kissed his fingers.

“And we will run together as we always do.” Taemin added, seeing the other nod and sigh. He held his body tight, letting his eyes fell shut. “I love you, you sick bastard.” He whispered to him, feeling the other kiss his hair again.

“I love you more, you clumsy kid.” Kai whispered back, as they used to do.

The two broken boys fell asleep on each other's arms after making love, not caring about the next day. The scars, bruises, cuts, drugs, prostitution, murders, blood; nothing really mattered on that moment, only their sore bodies, their shattered souls and their twisted love for each other.

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Broken Boys (1/2)

Title: Broken Boys
Pairing: Kai x Taemin
Warnings: Smut, Violence, Drugs, Depression, Mentions of Self Harm
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Kai knew that Taemin was a broken boy in the moment that he fucked him for the first time, but he only realised how broken he was when they made love for the first time. It was like he was broken in a thousand of pieces and he couldn’t fix himself, no matter how he tried.

[Broken Boys]

The sky was gray because of the clouds and it seemed like it was going to rain; Taemin's lips curved in a smooth smirk with that. He loved the touch of the rain on his milky skin, the way the water washed all his problems away and an icy raindrop fell on his forehead. 'Oh, thank you', he thought with himself, slowing his pace so he enjoy it. It would be a storm soon, he could say by the winter and that's all he wanted to.

His cellphone rang again but he simply ignored it, he was way too entertained with walking, the rain starting to fall, making him shiver. His mother would say that he was going to get a cold but he didn't care, not now – actually, he was asking for it. After what he had done, oh, he deserved to get really sick and die.

“The storm is coming~” Taemin hummed to himself, going to the top of the building, starting to walk along the hall. He was on the last floor and he could see the lightning too close of him. His feet were now on the edge of the floor, one more step and he would fall all the way down. The cars seemed to be so small and he couldn't see the people from where he was. “Maybe I should just throw myself.” He muttered, closing his eyes as he let the rain wash his body. He could hear the thunder and it was a true storm, the wind was so strong that he thought that he could fall just because of it.

“No you shouldn't.” He heard a voice behind him and then he squinted, sighing. He focused his efforts on keeping his pose up, turning his body slowly to face the dark haired man, seeing how he didn't look happy. Taemin was in trouble, he was sure of it, but still he just smirked to him, a slight though true smile.

“Kim Jong-in.” Taemin said, satisfied when he noticed the face of the man quiver a little bit as he was trying to don't attack him or something like. “How did you find me?”

“Don't you call me that. It's Kai.” The man growled just to hear the blond laugh of him, mocking him. He approached him, watching him: they were both soaked because of the falling rain but somehow Taemin didn't seem affect by it, his blond hair was on his face though Kai still could see his dark eyes and he was wearing a long sleeve shirt that was bigger than his size, what made him look cute. That broken boy gave him a broken smirk as he held his wrist, pulling him from the edge of the building; he heard him complaining but he didn't care. “All I had to do to find you was follow the trail of blood and destruction that you leaves behind.”

“Quite dramatic.” Taemin mumbled, not even trying to resist. Kai was stronger and he was going to drag him whatever he wanted to. But what he didn't expect was that Kai was going to tie his hands with a tight rope, making him whimper low. “Hey c'mon, I'm not going anywhere!”

“Last time you said this you gave me a headache.” Kai glanced at him closely, holding his chin and raising his face. The dried blood was still there and on his clothes and Kai knew that this blood wasn't Taemin's. He sighed when he held his hands to find his nails dirty as well and he saw the emotionless expression on his eyes. “You didn't even clean yourself, it's like you wanna get caught.” He said as he dragged him down the stairs, starting to rush their pace as he was somehow afraid that someone could seen them both.

Even though their had the same age Kai used to feel that he was Taemin's hyung as he was always looking over him, fixing his mess. He asked himself why he cared so much about him, maybe it was because they were both broken and abandoned. Life abandoned Taemin, letting him adrift and Kai found him; well of course it wasn't a pretty story since he first met him when he was a whore, but Kai discovered that he wanted him to be his whore. Then he learned that Taemin wasn't innocent as he looked, actually he liked of being the boss's whore, he would crawl to his lap and do whatever he wanted just to be respected.

They walked till the car and they sat on the backseat, watching the driver man close the door and turn on the motor. Kai peered at the blond boy just too see him turn his face and gaze at the window. He pulled his chin once more to see the unamused look that he had and then Kai sighed, arching his eyebrow.

“Now you explain me why you did that.” That was one phrase that Taemin didn't want to hear; actually he didn't want to see Kai again, he cursed silently as he closed his eyes, biting his lips and suddenly his face had been pulled by the other male who was holding his chin way too strong. “Don't think you will escape, Taemin, you are still mine.”

Taemin only laughed with that and then nodded, opening his eyes. Then he gazed at his pale hands because of the ropes, glancing at Kai.

“You don't have to act like this.” He purred but he saw the look at his face and he sighed. “That guy was bothering Minho hyung and I wanted to help him, so when he tried to touch me I killed him...”

Kai growled, releasing his face and tilting his head back, trying to contain himself. Now he wanted to hit him even though he wanted to fuck him really hard; maybe he could merge both things thus the boy would have what he deserved.

“Do you know who that guy was, you bloody bastard? He was the son of the rival gang's leader.” They were in so much trouble and Taemin was acting peacefully, as he had done what he should. Kai told him to not touch on that boy but Taemin did the opposite, and by the way that the corpse was when Kai found him he could say that Taemin wasn't gentle with him. “Do you know what will happen to us when he finds out?”

“So let's not let him find out.” Taemin said as it was the most obvious thing to say and that made Kai laugh, now getting really angry with him. He grabbed a full hand of his hair and pulled his head back, making him whimper.

“And how do you plan to do this? I wasn't the first one to see the body.” Taemin's no reaction was letting Kai mad and he couldn't wait till he was alone with him on his room. Gosh, he would make him pay... It wasn't the whore who takes the decisions and he simply couldn't kill someone without his permission. “You chose to die, haven't you? But don't you dare to drag me to the deep with you.”

The blond boy only laughed with that and his eyes were filled with tears when Kai tightened the grip on his hair, he felt like he was going to rip his scalp and he bit his eyes not wanting to cry. Taemin didn't say a word and Kai released him, tilting his head back once more.

The driver stopped on Kai's house, not parking since no one could know he lived there. He pulled Taemin by his arm getting more wet when he walked through the rain and opened the door, pushing him inside. He locked the door behind him and he cursed as he noticed that he wouldn't be able to think rationally. He took their shoes of; Kai wanted to shower him but all he did was take a towel to dry them both; he didn't want to loose a second with him. It made a good time since the last time they were together and as he was drying his hair he peered at the boy's eyes, finally seeing some emotion with the smooth touch.

“Were you running from me?”

“I was running from all this but I realized that I couldn't get rid of you and everything else.” Taemin answered, he really had gave up at this point. No way he would be free, his past would always follow him no matter where he goes, the ghosts of the people he had killed would chase him and the people who were still alive wanted him dead. It was safer to stay with Kai, but it wasn't as he had a choice.

When Kai finished drying him he released his hands only to find his wrist swollen because of the rope but he didn't care. He was still angry at him and he grabbed his hair, pushing him against the wall. They had almost the same height and Kai got real close of him, he could almost feel his soft lips against his.

“Have you missed me?” He whispered in a husky voice, his fingers were caressing his lips and he still could see the drops falling through Taemin's hair. The boy gave him a slight smile before whisper a 'no' and Kai let his hand go down to his neck, pressing it. He saw Taemin's eyes defy him and squeezed a little bit more, enough to make him cough when he released him. “Don't lie.”

“I'm not lying.” Taemin said but he was; even though his life was a crap Kai was the only good thing on it, even though his lover was angry at him now he couldn't help but shiver with his sexy tone. Still, he didn't want to give himself in, he wouldn't simply tell him how he was regretted about running. Those weeks when he spent on street reminded him about when he was just a little boy and he would get abused again if he didn't had learn how to kill. Taemin liked to play with those one who wanted to hurt him, like the son of the gang's leader. He deserved what he got and deep down Taemin thinks that Kai believes that this was the right thing to do. It was a shock for him but he felt his face being slapped, he led his hand to his cheek, feeling his skin burn and another slap came when he thought about complaining, this time his lip cracked and a fillet of blood was running through it, getting to his chin and mixing with the dry blood. “Why did you do this?” Taemin almost screamed just to get slapped once more, Kai held him by his hair, pulling his strands way too strong making him cry out.

“You honestly have no idea about what you done, right?” He said as he held his wrist, slowly walking to their bedroom, pushing him against the door and holding him by his chin. “Now listen to me, carefully. You ran away for a entire month and I was desperate looking for you, but then I discovered that you were still alive since you were leaving a dead bodies trail behind. You got your revenge and I could have helped you on that but you couldn't wait... you did the things on the wrong way, Taemin. What you did this night was the most stupid thing you could have done.” Kai hissed, and this time he could see some curiosity on the boy's eyes instead of a deadpan look. “Anyone would kill you after what you done...”

“Then kill me!” Taemin said just to have his chin being hold strongly, making him whimper. He hated that, he hated to feel as he was that dumb boy again when everyone could do whatever they wanted to him. At least it was Kai who was acting like that with him and even though Kai looked so selvage now he would never hurt him.

“What are you saying? You are really mad, Taemin, I can't believe that you planned to throw yourself from that building... and the worst is that you ask me to kill you!” Kai answered, his voice was surprisingly calm though sad and he smirked, getting closer to him. “I'm not going to do this, my dear Taemin, I'm going to punish you~” He whispered on that sexy tone, making Taemin's body shudder and the dark haired male could hear him sigh. “You have been a bad, bad boy, Taemin.” Kai hummed, watching how his eyes were now filled by lust and fear. Yeah, he got the reaction he wanted.

“Oh, have I? And what are you going to do, Jongin?” Taemin whispered back, his wrist was still aching because of the tight rope but he didn't care, his lower lip was still bleeding but he didn't care as well.

Kai growled when he heard him calling him by that name and then he pulled his hair, making him tilt his head and he bit his neck, strong enough to break his thin skin and let the blood run through it. Taemin mewled as Kai licked there, making his new wound burn but he liked the feel and he closed his eyes, wanting Kai to be rough with him, to hurt him. It was exciting the way that Kai's tongue was swirling around his neck, teasing his wound and biting it, making the pain grow stronger and that just made him get more turn on. He liked when pain and pleasure mixed each other becoming one true feeling...

Then that glorious tongue was on his earlobe, pulling it and teasing him, making him sigh. Kai knew he had such effect on the blond boy and he kept teasing him, wanting to hear him moan... But he knew that wasn't an easy task, not when he liked to tease him as well.

“I'm gonna make you pay for every second you wasn't with me.” Kai whispered in a lewd voice and Taemin only smirked to him, as he was challenging him to do it. Kai pushed him against the bed, holding Taemin's hands above his head as his lips made his way to his sensitive neck once more. He wanted to touch every piece of skin that he could and he didn't care that they both were still wet because of the rain who was falling really hard out there. He started to unbutton his shirt, who actually shouldn't be his since it was bigger than him, and soon he could see his white torso.

“Come on, won't you kiss me?” Taemin purred as he tried to pull him closer but his hands were still held by the dark haired man and he heard him laugh, biting his earlobe after it.

“Won't you moan for me?” Kai whispered on his ear making the other shiver yet he didn't answer as he wanted. Taemin was truly sensitive but he knew how to control himself and so he did, not a single moan came out from his pursed lips as Kai was teasing his neck.

It was time to make things really serious.

Even though Kai wanted to kiss him right now he didn't want to give him what he wanted and he just finished open his shirt, touching his chest with his hands. He could see all his scars, there were some new bruises that he didn't remember, he probably got them on this month there he was alone. His slender fingers ran along them, slightly pressing them just to see the discomfort on his pretty face, but not hard to hurt him, only to get some reaction from him. He stopped on his ribs where he could see a old, deep scar, where he was stabbed once. Going down, close to his waist, he could see the mark of a bullet that he got a year ago.

"You are so careless... You always gets so hurt.” Kai observed in a low voice as he gazed at him, smirking before he let his lips return to his neck, this time running to his collarbone, feeling how they were more prominent than last time what means that he lost some weight. Taemin's breath was surely faster and now that Kai released his hands Taemin had buried them on his hair, as he wanted to keep him there.

Kai let his lips ran along his white skin till he reached his nipples, oh he knew how Taemin was sensitive there... He darted his tongue, slowly swirling it against the tip of his right one as his hand was doing the same to the left one. He could see the effort that the blond was doing on trying to contain himself and he sucked his nipple harder, pulling the other with his fingers, making them hard. He let his saliva mix with the raindrops that were still on his body, the cold air making his nipples get even harder and he kept teasing him, picking the left one between his lips, wetting it as well.

As he saw he wouldn't get any reaction he rose up, holding his chin as he gazed at him. Oh, how he missed him, it was like anything matters... who cares if he just screwed everything up? Kai felt like he couldn't get really mad at him, he couldn't hurt him or punish him like another gang's leader would do. Taemin was his and he was Taemin's, their bodies belong to each other and he couldn't help but sink his feelings on his thin lips. He could feel the dry blood that he had caused when he slapped him but it didn't bother him at all; Kai planted smooth kisses on his lips till he darted his tongue, deepening the kiss. Taemin purred softly against his mouth as he felt him finally doing what he was wanting...

And all that Taemin could think was how he managed to stay away from him. Of course sometimes he couldn't bear him but most of time he just wanted to be with him, to feel his addicting kisses and touches. Get revenge was such a good thing but he felt genuinely glad to be back to him, even though all this time he was running from him.

“Don't contain yourself baby. Please don't.” Kai whispered against their lips, breaking all his defenses. Taemin couldn't handle when he speaks with him like this... “Please let me hear you.” He added and although the blond boy didn't want to give him what he was asking he nodded, letting a shy smirk dance on his devilsh lips.

“Just because you did what I wanted.” Taemin whispered back, seeing Kai smile. His lips were taken once more and this time the kiss was deeper and hungrier, Taemin curled his fingers around Kai's hair, gently pulling it as they kissed. He already could feel hot because of all that teasing and his legs were between Kai's, soon he would feel how needy Taemin was.

Kai gave him a lewd smirk when they broke their kiss and he got back to his neck, sucking his skin hard, making sure that he would have a mark to remember. This time Taemin let a whispered moan escape, it was more a sigh than a truly moan but that made Kai get more excited. He loved to hear him, to see how he would give his soul and body on the moment that they made love.

The dark haired man finally took Taemin's shirt off, throwing it on the floor. If he remembered well Taemin had a scar on his shoulder and when he went to kiss them he saw it. It was funny how his body was simply perfect even though he had so many scars... Taemin was now sitting on the bed and he let Kai kiss his shoulders, running his tongue till he found his neck again, climbing to his jaw and chin, finding his lips once more. Taemin started to unbutton Kai's shirt, his fingers were somehow trembled and it was difficult to do simple things like this. Kai noticed what he was trying to do and smirked, helping him and unbuttoning his own shirt, soon he felt Taemin's icy fingers running along his chest, going down to his abdomen and feeling his muscles. He liked to see how his boyfriend was too fucking hot and he couldn't help but smile as a silly teen, muttering something about how sexy he was. Kai only laughed with that, giving his lips a small bite and then he took his own shirt off, giving Taemin more space to explore.

“Your skin is so good...” Taemin said as he was a curious child, his fingers were sliding along his chest, feeling how he had almost none scar. When Kai met him he already had his body full of them and somehow he envied how his lover's skin was perfect.

At this moment Kai already had forgotten what he said about punishing, he had planned on his mind so many things to do to Taemin but he simply couldn't do anything but be sweet on his own way – what actually wasn't that sweet. Kai's eyes jumped from his lips to his arms, he could see needles marks over there and he sighed. He had drugged himself again, dammit.

Kai knew Taemin was a broken boy in the moment that he fucked him for the first time, but he only realized how broken he was when they made love for the first time. It was like he was broken in a thousand of pieces and he couldn't fix himself, no matter how he tried. The blond man already could see how Kai's eyes were watching his arms and he regretted for doing those things... Honestly, he didn't think that he would live to see Kai again since he ran to get his revenge and that meant danger. He thought he was going to die and he wouldn't stop himself from anything.

“Jongin...” Taemin purred, even though Kai didn't like to be called like that he kept calling him like this. He pushed him closer as he didn't want him to see those marks but it was too late. Kai's eyes were now on his wrist and he could see his old scars that he was already used to and the new ones. They were pretty recent, Kai could notice that a few were still red as he had did that on the last night, and Kai held his chin, making him gaze at him.

“It's alright.” Kai whispered to him as he noticed how sad his eyes suddenly became and he kissed his lips, not wanting to end with their moment. He let his lips crawl to his ear, licking it and he breathed out on a husky voice again, saying another 'it's alright'.

He wasn't mad at him anymore, he was actually regretted for not noticing on that morning that he had ran away. If he had stopped him he wouldn't be hurt... But he wouldn't have get his revenge, and that's something that he wanted so bad. Kai felt bad for not being able to make him happy as he promised, he knew that Taemin would return to his old habits when he was depressed but he didn't expect that this would happen again.

As Kai lowered his defenses Taemin decided to tease him to avoid that topic, and even though his heart hurt when he saw those marks he still wanted to feel Kai's skin against his, to feel him inside him. He darted his tongue, licking his neck slowly going up to his earlobe and pulling it.

“I thought you said you were going to punish me...” He whispered in his ear seeing him smile, giving him that lewd smirk that he loved so much. “Have you given up?”

“Of course I haven't... I still gonna make you regret for every second you wasn't with me.”

“I am looking forward it.” Taemin answered seeing Kai laugh low and start to attack his neck once more, his hands ran along his chest and abdomen, going down to his pants. He wanted to feel his hand right there but Kai was taking too long unbuttoning his pants. Taemin pulled him by his hair, already missing his delicious lips and kissed him, a thread of saliva was dripping from his mouth as Kai deepened the kiss, making both pant.

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